tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-373816862024-03-23T10:49:28.323-07:00Welcome to TardvilleComedy writings sure to cancel me out of existencebrian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.comBlogger1739125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-36294312013058797572021-02-10T21:39:00.004-08:002021-02-10T21:39:31.786-08:00Bravo & Beer 37: "A Stingray is Softer Than a Vagina"<p> <b>Bravo & Beer Episode 37 Recap: "A Stingray is Softer Than a Vagina"<br /></b></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjRtgHXDF5V_4XtqL4tCZ9mfgINM6b-HaYvdzeQlYDyEh3ypqKtEJQL7acpLyTmaX8wX1LWJzmfYadwi5ayLuxz5UI7H_GkUpwyisx7JSl2Qu0oXXAj0ZUlaFWAoBhosbL_qDUFQ/s1400/B%2526B_1400_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1400" data-original-width="1400" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjRtgHXDF5V_4XtqL4tCZ9mfgINM6b-HaYvdzeQlYDyEh3ypqKtEJQL7acpLyTmaX8wX1LWJzmfYadwi5ayLuxz5UI7H_GkUpwyisx7JSl2Qu0oXXAj0ZUlaFWAoBhosbL_qDUFQ/s320/B%2526B_1400_2.jpg" /></a></div><br />The final recap on this wonderful site (which has become COMPLETELY UNUSABLE) for <i>Bravo and Beer</i> before you can find us at <a href="http://BravoandBeer.com">BravoandBeer.com</a> ...<p></p><p>...<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;">Bad haircuts, bad home medicine, and bad vibes. Some shitty football game is the reason we didn’t get to see <i>90 Day Fiance</i>? WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?? Why is everything going wrong this week! </span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;">Much to our chagrin, it seems we must bid adieu to the cast of <i>Below Deck</i>. But not before the cast themselves bid a hearty <u>sayonara</u> to laundry folder / wannabe world-traveling stalker Elizabeth. Unfairly vilified simply for not doing anything productive day after day, the</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; text-decoration-line: line-through;">second</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;">third stew must leave her dream job, and dream man, to face the harsh realities of what 2021 has in store all alone. It's all a man can do to not cry at the injustice of it all. </span></p><div class="adn ads" data-legacy-message-id="1778f554b1b9d3c2" data-message-id="#msg-f:1691371404185424834" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; border-left: none; color: black; display: flex; font-family: Roboto, RobotoDraft, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><div class="gs" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 20px; width: 1011.11px;"><div class=""><div class="ii gt" id=":bmz" style="direction: ltr; font-size: 0.875rem; margin: 8px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative;"><div class="a3s aiL " id=":bn0" style="font: small / 1.5 Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; overflow: hidden;"><div style="overflow-wrap: break-word;"><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">But do we have something to fill the void? Tune in to find out if Summerhouse can mend a broken heart, while simultaneously crushing the soul of a jilted podcaster. And why a Hamptons party house bubble might not exactly be the best place for an alcoholic who still likes “to have a few”. Like a wise man once said, just when you think you have all the answers, we change all the questions! </div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Recap by Rico </div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><div style="font-size: small; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="font-size: small; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><a href="https://redcircle.com/shows/bravo-and-beer" target="_blank">Listen to the show here, or jump to your favorite podcast catcher!</a> </b></div><div style="font-size: small; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Times; font-size: medium; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><b><a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnIfFTKE6Lz1JANb39cwOoQ">Or Subscribe to our YouTube, where we'll be streaming live!</a> </b></span></div></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></div></div></div><div class="yj6qo"></div></div><div class="hi" style="background: rgb(242, 242, 242); border-bottom-left-radius: 1px; border-bottom-right-radius: 1px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; width: auto;"></div></div></div><div class="ajx" style="clear: both;"></div></div>brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-82631545767857578302021-02-03T20:54:00.005-08:002021-02-03T20:54:57.010-08:00Bravo & Beer Ep. 36: Elderly Doomsday-Prepping Seniors...and SEX! <p><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Bravo and Beer Ep. 36: Elderly Doomsday-Prepping Seniors...and SEX! </div><h1 class="title entry-title" itemprop="name" style="background-color: white; color: #333333; display: table-cell; font-family: Oswald; font-size: 20px; font-weight: normal; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 40px 0px 0px; position: relative; text-align: center; vertical-align: middle; width: 670px;"></h1><h1 class="title entry-title" itemprop="name" style="background-color: white; color: #333333; display: table-cell; font-family: Oswald; font-size: 20px; font-weight: normal; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 40px 0px 0px; position: relative; text-align: center; vertical-align: middle; width: 670px;"><br /></h1><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoITQGjWEX4ozV-JVoJ_Nqbt_KqGWa62Eqk9hF4RFFvcDPrEOv9-xa1PApnPqQH1UcDg4L7Hep_ET7OLx57Vmh97WJ3xDIG3SzeYbfZu6hhksZLAPwQgs1_yAW7Lh1FGLoRivNqg/s1400/B%2526B_1400_1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1400" data-original-width="1400" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoITQGjWEX4ozV-JVoJ_Nqbt_KqGWa62Eqk9hF4RFFvcDPrEOv9-xa1PApnPqQH1UcDg4L7Hep_ET7OLx57Vmh97WJ3xDIG3SzeYbfZu6hhksZLAPwQgs1_yAW7Lh1FGLoRivNqg/s320/B%2526B_1400_1.jpg" /></a></div>(BTW Blogger, the blog platform this is hosted on now, is the worst piece of shit ever created and I can't get the text to match, and when I try it cuts and pastes portions from the front to the end. I shit you not. Changing the FONT somehow moves half the shit from the TOP of the page to the BOTTOM. We'll be moving off here soon to a dedicated url. SO...bear with us.) <br /><p style="background-color: white; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p style="background-color: white; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel…Betty’s finger in my ass? </span></p><p style="background-color: white; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p style="background-color: white; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;">Nope! It’s just another episode of Bravo & Beer!! And where would you rather be, other than maybe a swingers cruise with QARon and his brillo-headed bride, Betty? Tune in to find out the pressing questions of 90 Day Fiance, like what is the appropriate amount of alcohol to imbibe while running a pregnancy test recount? Why is a Ukrainian woman better off eloping with a tree? And bonuses like how to spin your lying, cheating ways to your advantage!</p><p style="background-color: white; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">But wait, there’s more! Like an erection in the morning, B&B will heal your negative energy and point the way to happiness on “Below Deck”. <br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">For Example: It’s your 30th Birthday, and your non-boyfriend can ignore you if he wants to. The crew might have a little trouble counting to 4 or 5, but will be happy to pour you another shot of Hennessy. And Izzy gets no respect I tell ya. <br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Cheers to that, and Cheers to another record breaking episode of the #1 butt-smuggled podcast into Russian jail for political prisoners! </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Recap by Rico </span></p><div style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><div style="color: #333333; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; text-align: justify;"><b style="font-family: helvetica;"><a href="https://redcircle.com/shows/bravo-and-beer" style="color: #009eb8; display: inline; font-family: "Helvetica Neue Light", HelveticaNeue-Light, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; outline: none; transition: color 0.3s ease 0s;" target="_blank">Listen to the show here, or jump to your favorite podcast catcher!</a> </b></div><div style="color: #333333; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><b><u><a href="https://www.facebook.com/BravoandBeer" target="_blank"><span face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, Helvetica Neue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif" style="color: #009eb8;"><span style="outline-color: initial; outline-width: initial; transition-duration: 0.3s; transition-property: color;">Or Subscribe to our YouTube, where we'll be streaming live!</span></span> </a></u></b></span></div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><b><u><br /></u></b></span></div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><b><u><a href="https://www.facebook.com/BravoandBeer" target="_blank">Or join us on Facebook where we ALSO stream live and entertain comments and quips.</a></u></b></span></div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br /></div></div>
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/oXvrtSv-GLU" width="560"></iframe>brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-8723744414336502352021-01-27T20:50:00.001-08:002021-01-27T20:50:46.985-08:00Bravo & Beer Ep. 35: Colt's 45 Dating Tips & Dick Pics <p> <b style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small;">B&B 35: Colt's 45 Dating Tips & Dick Pics </b></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjRtgHXDF5V_4XtqL4tCZ9mfgINM6b-HaYvdzeQlYDyEh3ypqKtEJQL7acpLyTmaX8wX1LWJzmfYadwi5ayLuxz5UI7H_GkUpwyisx7JSl2Qu0oXXAj0ZUlaFWAoBhosbL_qDUFQ/s1400/B%2526B_1400_2.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1400" data-original-width="1400" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjRtgHXDF5V_4XtqL4tCZ9mfgINM6b-HaYvdzeQlYDyEh3ypqKtEJQL7acpLyTmaX8wX1LWJzmfYadwi5ayLuxz5UI7H_GkUpwyisx7JSl2Qu0oXXAj0ZUlaFWAoBhosbL_qDUFQ/w222-h222/B%2526B_1400_2.jpg" width="222" /></a></div><p></p><div class="adn ads" data-legacy-message-id="177473cc0e7ed162" data-message-id="#msg-f:1690103080424493410" style="background-color: white; border-left: none; display: flex; font-family: Roboto, RobotoDraft, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><div class="gs" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 20px; width: 1011.11px;"><div><div class="ii gt" id=":j4q" style="margin: 8px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative;"><div class="a3s aiL" id=":iu8" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 1.5; overflow: hidden;"><div style="overflow-wrap: break-word;"><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Gamestop? Gamestart? Game…on! It’s always a bull market when Rico, Brian, and Odie reconvene to reminisce, recap and regurgitate all over your favorite reality shows. So much to talk about but so little time, because it’s late and this guy likes to get to sleep at a reasonable hour. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br />Let’s start with Below Deck shall we? Elizabeth questions “the science” of UTIs while getting creamed right in her mouth. Eggplant Parm (er...James) plays games of the heart but doesn’t get to play fun and games on the beach. And there’s an international model on deck! But you’ll never guess who.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br />Questions also abound on 90 Day Fiance. Is the cornerstone of a good mind, body, and soul…butter? Was Mike’s mom whittled from a tree trunk? What exactly is Jovi drinking and could it really not wait until he got to baggage claim? Who has more watches from Stephanie: Ryan or his pawnbroker? And why does Julie hate cute animals?</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br />Don’t hedge your bets and don’t short Bravo & Beer, tune in for the most informative, engaging, and entertaining podcast you’ll ever listen to in a car while driving your children to soccer practice!</p></div></div><div class="yj6qo" style="font-size: 0.875rem;"></div><div class="yj6qo" style="font-size: 0.875rem;"></div><div class="yj6qo" style="font-size: 0.875rem;"></div></div><div class="hi" style="background: rgb(242, 242, 242); border-bottom-left-radius: 1px; border-bottom-right-radius: 1px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; width: auto;"></div></div></div><div class="ajx" style="clear: both;"><br /></div></div><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: small;">Recap by Rico </span></p><div style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><a href="https://redcircle.com/shows/bravo-and-beer" target="_blank">Listen to the show here, or jump to your favorite podcast catcher!</a> </b></div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><b><a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnIfFTKE6Lz1JANb39cwOoQ">Or Subscribe to our YouTube, where we'll be streaming live!</a> </b></span></div><div style="background-color: white; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></div>
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/CAS1xCbsmf8" width="560"></iframe>brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-63604397523985771812021-01-20T21:03:00.002-08:002021-01-20T21:03:52.356-08:00Bravo & Beer Episode 34: We've Got a Stage-5 Clinger <p> <b style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small;">B&B 34:We've Got a Stage-5 Clinger </b></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjRtgHXDF5V_4XtqL4tCZ9mfgINM6b-HaYvdzeQlYDyEh3ypqKtEJQL7acpLyTmaX8wX1LWJzmfYadwi5ayLuxz5UI7H_GkUpwyisx7JSl2Qu0oXXAj0ZUlaFWAoBhosbL_qDUFQ/s1400/B%2526B_1400_2.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1400" data-original-width="1400" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjRtgHXDF5V_4XtqL4tCZ9mfgINM6b-HaYvdzeQlYDyEh3ypqKtEJQL7acpLyTmaX8wX1LWJzmfYadwi5ayLuxz5UI7H_GkUpwyisx7JSl2Qu0oXXAj0ZUlaFWAoBhosbL_qDUFQ/w222-h222/B%2526B_1400_2.jpg" width="222" /></a></div><p></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;">Its January 20, 2021 in the old US of A, which means one thing…it’s Wednesday and there’s another episode of Bravo and Beer! </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;">Apparently there was something going on in Washington D.C. today, but there was no peaceful transfer of power on Below Deck. Francesca is still trying to teach Elizabeth that laundry ideally goes from the washing machine to the dryer in under a day, but Elizabeth is too busy planning her dream wedding to James. Rachel is a drunken psychopath, and there’s a PANDEMIC of UTIs. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />Switching to 90 Day Fiance, we ponder if Amira’s love survived her lack of toilet paper in the detention center. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;">Natalie brags about her IQ but can’t find a ring in a house barely bigger than a Mexican prison cell, then Yara’s Ukrainian health education is called into question. And finally, Brandon wonders how he'll ever stop being a pussy. All this and much, much more on the #16 rated podcast in Thailand! </p><p style="text-align: left;"><b style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"></b></p><div style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;">Recap by Rico </div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><a href="https://redcircle.com/shows/bravo-and-beer" target="_blank">Listen to the show here, or jump to your favorite podcast catcher!</a> </b></div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><b><a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnIfFTKE6Lz1JANb39cwOoQ">Or Subscribe to our YouTube, where we'll be streaming live!</a> </b></span></div><div style="background-color: white; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></div>
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-91857416716842348242021-01-13T21:05:00.001-08:002021-01-14T07:03:02.755-08:00Bravo & Beer 33: Stripper Bangin' and Shoe Puking <p><b style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small;">B&B 33: Stripper Bangin' and Shoe Puking </b></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjRtgHXDF5V_4XtqL4tCZ9mfgINM6b-HaYvdzeQlYDyEh3ypqKtEJQL7acpLyTmaX8wX1LWJzmfYadwi5ayLuxz5UI7H_GkUpwyisx7JSl2Qu0oXXAj0ZUlaFWAoBhosbL_qDUFQ/s1400/B%2526B_1400_2.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1400" data-original-width="1400" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjRtgHXDF5V_4XtqL4tCZ9mfgINM6b-HaYvdzeQlYDyEh3ypqKtEJQL7acpLyTmaX8wX1LWJzmfYadwi5ayLuxz5UI7H_GkUpwyisx7JSl2Qu0oXXAj0ZUlaFWAoBhosbL_qDUFQ/w222-h222/B%2526B_1400_2.jpg" width="222" /></a></div><p></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;">Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow…nor impeachment can stop Brian, Rico, and Odie from reconvening to discuss the most important news of the week. CNN may have been taken off the air at your favorite airport concourse, but we will never abandon our legions of fans who wait all week to for our insight into the comings and goings of the developed world. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />SO MANY QUESTIONS NEED ANSWERS MY HEAD IS SPINNING. Who invited Delores onto the boat and did she drop the crew’s tip into the clear blue waters of the Caribbean during her drunken swim. Why does the Below Deck Crew keep inviting Rachel out and did her Italian boyfriend secretly lobby for lockdowns to keep her away?</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />Moving on to 90 Day Fiance, like a bad episode of Scooby Doo, we have a new villain in a horrible mask. Oh, that’s just Rebecca’s daughter and she apparently intentionally does her makeup that way. But her boyfriend more that makes up for the daughter’s appearance and surly demeanor with…some really hideous chest tattoos. Maybe unbutton a few more buttons on the shirt pal! We're not getting the full skull yet.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;">Amira’s love gets her thrown in jail. Ryan’s hard at work on his fake job at a resort with no guests. And Natalie finds love in a smelly closet. All this, and much much more on the fastest growing podcast among Peruvian housewives under 40!</p><p style="text-align: left;"><b style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small;"></b></p><div style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;">Recap by Rico </div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><a href="https://redcircle.com/shows/bravo-and-beer" style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">Listen to the show here, or jump to your favorite podcast catcher!</a> </b></div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><b><a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnIfFTKE6Lz1JANb39cwOoQ">Or Subscribe to our YouTube, where we'll be streaming live!</a> </b></span></div><div style="background-color: white; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></div>
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/qj82_AgffMA" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-49279306918719999372021-01-06T21:01:00.009-08:002021-01-07T09:58:50.116-08:00Bravo and Beer 32: “I Didn’t Realize She Resented Me For Leaving Her in Albania” <p> </p><div class="gE iv gt" style="background-color: white; cursor: pointer; padding: 20px 0px 0px;"><b style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small;">B&B 32: “I Didn’t Realize She Resented Me For Leaving Her in Albania” </b></div><div class="gE iv gt" style="background-color: white; cursor: pointer; padding: 20px 0px 0px;"><span style="font-size: small;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Roboto, RobotoDraft, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 0.875rem; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUVAETRpfU9bEF5Fu_kR_xQ2xKz3Vr-fr1CyOVB3B9gh2ttmq81ndWofZFYga2OiiDcEn6kx0amWzGsR_Cm9toeQnQ8fwvTbVooKBi81VWtkRU-sGja_r76DD9JowJgNtNVcWcbg/s1400/B%2526B_1400_2.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1400" data-original-width="1400" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUVAETRpfU9bEF5Fu_kR_xQ2xKz3Vr-fr1CyOVB3B9gh2ttmq81ndWofZFYga2OiiDcEn6kx0amWzGsR_Cm9toeQnQ8fwvTbVooKBi81VWtkRU-sGja_r76DD9JowJgNtNVcWcbg/w200-h200/B%2526B_1400_2.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="font-size: small;">Welcome to 2021 Bravo bitches! It’s a new year but the same 3 jerks recapping some trash reality TV on North Korea’s number 1 podcast. Brian starts off the show talking about the sugar content of various bum wines, still not sure why, before we get into the BIG NEWS! Much to Odie and Rico’s chagrin, it’s NOT that we will be breaking down 2013 Oscar Award Winning film “Escape Plan” scene by scene. </span></span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://redcircle.com/shows/bravo-and-beer" target="_blank"><b>Listen to the show here, or jump to your favorite podcast catcher!</b></a></span></span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>The boys then get down to discussing Below Deck. Who has a bigger crush on James, Elizabeth or…Rob? This week’s charter guests are a drunken delight, but who drinks that much champagne, and does the Caribbean salt water make one portly guest more buoyant? Finally, pulling out decades worth of knowledge from watching Shark Week, Rico schools the two other idiots on the habitats and migration patterns of great white sharks.</span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br />The crew then gets into 90 Day Fiance. Jovi apparently doesn’t know people pee on the streets of New Orleans. Rebecca is getting ready to welcome her long lost flame Zeid to the apartment Saw II was filmed in. Mike makes a SIX HOUR commute to work every day. Unfortunately for his relationship, he can’t make it that long without eating meat. Finally, Satan in a 1980s perm rises from hell to torment poor Julia from Russia. Oh that’s Brandon’s mom? All that and much, much more!</span></p></span></div><div style="background-color: white;"><div class="ii gt" id=":43o" style="direction: ltr; margin: 8px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative;"><div class="a3s aiL" id=":4fx" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 1.5; overflow: hidden;"><div style="overflow-wrap: break-word;"><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><img class="CToWUd a6T" data-image-whitelisted="" id="m_-8184030888246331337A9AEAB55-3916-4329-AB9D-A1732F61908C" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0?ui=2&ik=de3808bf31&attid=0.1.1&permmsgid=msg-f:1688201922078937995&th=176db2b422a5938b&view=fimg&sz=s0-l75-ft&attbid=ANGjdJ_7UsxV4yxBIAhJJ4JQ_KoN8PR7p4Edh1w556Cvwi-J8PUyjGiC--vpetvqazCUiHLQMKdWJ9NbAuwul_inbsliDvcfsmYqKv8BjkIFtIYwFQeyVl7lAefCcxM&disp=emb" style="cursor: pointer; outline: 0px;" tabindex="0" /></div><br /><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: small; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Recap by Rico </div></div></div></div></div>
brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-77938026723622977132021-01-06T20:56:00.002-08:002021-01-06T20:56:25.325-08:00The New Home of BRAVO AND BEER! <p>Welcome, welcome! As mentioned on the latest episode of "Bravo & Beer", this site will be the home (for now anyway) of recaps for the podcast as well as a repository (on top of Youtube) for our live streams, which are forthcoming next week. Pull up a Bravo Beer Bong and enjoy reading some of the older, but still funny, articles from Brian that haunt this website. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYMjo53FONrzYTVO5xAFpB88H6Cv6gwoXPdZyby-Tra5CNQsFbVCN3mQbftt0BqNbL_rp57RkkbGPV4X2A_CnHtnz2nJ2n0AmSvwKIsgbLggSPIPbzUgXvka6iaPCcuEv84XU7cw/s1400/B%2526B_1400_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1400" data-original-width="1400" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYMjo53FONrzYTVO5xAFpB88H6Cv6gwoXPdZyby-Tra5CNQsFbVCN3mQbftt0BqNbL_rp57RkkbGPV4X2A_CnHtnz2nJ2n0AmSvwKIsgbLggSPIPbzUgXvka6iaPCcuEv84XU7cw/s320/B%2526B_1400_1.jpg" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-62668616726994587542018-10-26T11:50:00.000-07:002018-10-26T11:57:07.194-07:00The Definitive Guide to Cliche Halloween Costumes to Avoid in 2018!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Hello again dear friends! Yes, my once-a-year blog post is BACK to warn you off of the worst, most played out, obvious and cliche Halloween costumes for 2018. You may wail to the skies upon reading this and lament that I have been so, so lazy in publishing this, resulting in very few days to alter your crappy, sappy, creatively void sack of festive dogshit to something more original.<br />
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To remind you, Welcome to Tardville invests tens of dollars into market research, man-on-the-ground investigative reporting and subway platform fondling to bring you 100% accurate predictions.<br />
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You WILL see these costumes at your local alcoholics meeting this Halloween weekend. Those within them will NOT have enough self awareness to realize and acknowledge their douchocity.<br />
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Without further ado...WELCOME TO TARDVILLE'S DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO CLICHE COSTUMES TO AVOID 2018!!!<br />
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<b>1.</b> <b>Stormy Fucking Daniels</b> - hey, attention-craving liberal sluts, this costume is for YOU! Not only will dressing up as everyone's favorite Trump-fucking former porn star-turned prostitute embody a lazy costume idea that's easily pulled off, but also your lazy ideas when it comes to understanding economics and social interactions.<br />
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You'll see variants in the vein of:<br />
- Straight up Stormy, dressed like a porn star, holding a copy of "Full Disclosure".<br />
- Stormy with a baby Trump doll<br />
- Stormy with a full size blow up sex doll adorned with Trump wig<br />
- Some self-satisfied dickhead dressed as Trump with his wife/gf as a Stormy/Trump duo<br />
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Now you'll ask me, "Brian, how would I make a good Stormy Daniels costume? Sure, I know it's hack but I REALLY want to." Well, here's how. You go as STORMY D: MUCUS-LIKE VITAMIN BEVERAGE!<br />
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This costume will take you and one other, who needs to be dressed as an 80s KID and carry a cardboard box painted to look like a refrigerator. During every new encounter at whatever Mad Dog 20/20 fueled Spook gathering you attend, the 80s Kid loudly asks, "What's in the fridge?", throwing open the door. "Milk, Purple Stuff...STORMY D!" he yells. That's when you pop out, like a stripper out of a cake, flashing your knockers like a pair of sagging Jack-o-Lanterns that have been on the porch too long. SOLID GOLD. </div>
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<b>2. MAGA Kanye - </b>There is zero chance that you will see less than 40 MAGA hat Kanyes this year. It's the de facto costume this year if you're a black dude (and I would bet half my left testicle there will be a few cross-dresser Kanyes to boot). It's obvious, it's boring and in today's political climate, it WILL win every award at the costume contests. You add in white guilt + the ghost of cultural appropriations of Halloweens past + current event and you have a WINNAH.<br />
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Really, the question is whether black couples can get away with a MAGA Kanye / Kim Kardashian combo costume. Isn't it <i>Armenian-face</i> to go as Kim if you're black? ISN'T IT?<br />
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How to salvage a Kanye costume: Go as "Yeezy." Dress as a Kanye West version of a Disney dwarf, and bring your friends, Dope-y, Sneezy, Weezy and Doc. And a fine-ass Snow White. BLAMMO.<br />
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<b>3. GRITTY! The Philadelphia Flyers Mascot!</b> - I won't even be mad if I see people trying to pull of the Gritty costume. He's hilariously terrifying. Gritty looks like Carrot Top, but less rapey, and vastly more likable. And, BONUS, Gritty's body is poofy, so you can sport an all night Halloween boner and bump into whoever you want without anyone knowing.<br />
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<b>4. Judge Kavanaugh </b>- the most played out concept in all of Halloween costuming. In the vein of the "Perverted Priest" costume, any time you can pair something sacred...say a Supreme Court Justice...with something sexual, you've got your self one stand out fucking cliched piece of shit. You'll see:<br />
- Old school judge outfit (replete with white powdered wig) with a blow up doll<br />
- 80s Brett Kavanaugh with his two drunk buddies, "Boofing" around parties<br />
- Cokehead, crying and sniffling Brett Kavanuagh from the hearings, carrying around his childhood calendar<br />
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<b>"TOO SOON" COSTUMES YOU WILL SEE:</b><br />
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<b>Migrant Caravan </b>- let's see if any whities have the balls to go "Latino Face" this year - I doubt it in the current climate, but here's hoping that we see a bunch of bros and their bro-broads dressed as poor immigrants dragging babies and knapsacks.<br />
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<b>MAGA Bomber </b>- it's so current, it's so easy. Every white liberal's go-to for last second party attendance, just spray some awful looking fake hair on a bald cap, craft a non-functional pipe bomb in a big envelope addressed to "PEOPLE TRUMP HATES" and off you go! And BONUS...if you put "white powder" in the bomb, you can do cocaine from your bomb all night long. Just like real people from Florida...and Los Angeles!<br />
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I hope this has been zero help this year. I know I had no time to write it, and I know you have no time to read it, as you frantically search for the last pair of kitten ears and fishnet stockings to whore it up this Halloween. Happy Trick or Treating!<br />
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-24867832156039178092017-10-26T12:11:00.000-07:002017-10-26T12:14:50.282-07:00The Definitive Guide to Cliche Halloween Costumes to Avoid in 2017!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: white;">As always, I have performed hours upon hours of extensive market research, scientific study and perusing of jagoff Twitter accounts to uncover the most over-worn, unoriginal, cliche and stupid costumes you will see at every party. Everyone thinks they’re going to wow the crowd with their hilarious and clever take on pop culture…THEY WILL BE WRONG. But some idiot will still win your costume party with one of these. </span></div>
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<figure class="tmblr-full" data-orig-height="386" data-orig-width="605" style="border: 0px; color: #4f4f4f; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: white;"><img data-orig-height="386" data-orig-width="605" height="319" src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/2102d9c40efe09aaed2b967097fd3e98/tumblr_inline_oyg0bwdTeA1voq2dn_500.jpg" style="border: 0px; display: inline-block; height: auto; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" width="500" /></span></figure><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">These are in no particular order. They all suck, and if it’s too late for you and you’ve already spent time and money traipsing down Dickhead Alley (right next to Diagon Alley in Hogsmeade!) on a cliche piece of dump, just kill yourself now and allow someone to use your corpse as a prop in their own, less-douchey costume. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">Now, without further ado…</span></div>
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<b style="background-color: white; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">ANYTHING</i> TRUMP</b></div>
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<figure class="tmblr-full" data-orig-height="842" data-orig-width="1180" style="border: 0px; color: #4f4f4f; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: white;"><img data-orig-height="842" data-orig-width="1180" height="356" src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/46177536e82cf5561e34afc40460ef2b/tumblr_inline_oyg0cxSEnw1voq2dn_500.jpg" style="border: 0px; display: inline-block; height: auto; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px !important; max-width: 100%; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" width="500" /></span></figure><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">Hey puddin’, I know you hate Trump. Everyone hates Trump. Your #RESIST costume isn’t swaying any GOPers anymore than your stupid $15 bumper sticker, and the statement you’re making is that you’re a member of the herd who can’t think for shimself, but wants to feel morally superior nonetheless. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">The only possible costume that could be original or funny that’s even remotely Trump related would be to go as the <i style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">“Trump Stump,”</i> which is a pro-Trump supporter with no legs and a tramp-stamp tattoo on his/her lower back. But you won’t see that, because I’m the only genius to think of it, and I’m not touting that costume this year. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">What you will see:</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">“Putin/Trump”</i> couples costume - this will be everywhere, as people try to make a political point about collusion between Trump and Russia, and it will fail miserably, because nothing ruins a fun party like politics. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">“Pussy Grabber Trump” </i>complete with inflatable blowup sex doll…for pussy grabbing. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">“Fake News” </i>costumes with people walking around in cardboard boxes made to look like TVs yelling “Trump is an asshole!” to the joy and cackling laughter of people who like to laugh at things they agree with, even though they aren’t funny. </span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img data-orig-height="461" data-orig-width="614" height="375" src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/e4eb8b08fce45bb36e7ba520ce2baa68/tumblr_inline_oyg0oqXwac1voq2dn_500.jpg" style="border: 0px; display: inline-block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" width="500" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(<i style="border: 0px; color: #4f4f4f; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;">YOU'RE FAKE NEWS</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #4f4f4f; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">, you stupid fucking cat!)</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br />“Incest Trump”</i> - I don’t need to go into this, but couples will definitely go as Ivanka and The Donald, and they <i style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">will</i> make out. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">“Trump-It”</i> will also make an appearance, as people try to shoehorn in Trump with every possible pop culture reference. So yes, someone will appear as the IT clown, but in a suit, and they will say “this is MUCH scarier than the IT in the movie, because it’s REAL LIFE, MAN!” </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">However, that won’t be the #1 Trump-related couples/bro-ples costume, which will definitely be…</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">“Trump Jong Un” - </i>I promise you, Dear Reader, that every one of your goddamn idiot couple friends will have the same hilarious idea to dress as Donald Trump for the man and a sexy or ironically gender swapped Kim Jong Un as the lady. Never mind the cultural appropriation and yellowface! We’ll show those goddamn North Koreans.</span></div>
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<b style="background-color: white; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Kim Jong Un</b></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">You’ll see this costume more than any other, and really the only entertainment value in it will be to see who throws caution to the wind with a fantastically offensive North Korean accent. Feed some straight shots to that person, then lure them into earshot of the most sensitive social justice warriors you know. Bonus points if they’re authentically Asian and not just pretending. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">You’ll also see…</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">“Team America.”</i> Bank on it. It’s the group costume that 2017 cliches demand. </span></div>
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<b style="background-color: white; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">How to pull this costume off: Little Rocket Man</b></div>
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<figure class="tmblr-full" data-orig-height="688" data-orig-width="960" style="border: 0px; color: #4f4f4f; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: white;"><img data-orig-height="688" data-orig-width="960" height="358" src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/66cfadc6ee01307304d9c9e05d2accbc/tumblr_inline_oyg0dgfAsC1voq2dn_500.jpg" style="border: 0px; display: inline-block; height: auto; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px !important; max-width: 100%; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" width="500" /></span></figure><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">If you’re of the Asian persuasion, don a Kim Jong Un hairstyle and glasses, but dress like Elton John and carry around a baby nuke with you. Then sing “Rocket Man” in a heavy North Korean accent. It’s can’t-miss baby. </span></div>
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<b style="background-color: white; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Tom Petty </b></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">The Tomster has gone “Into the Great Wide Open” and, despite the song, did indeed “back down” …about 6 feet into the grave. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">Seeing as this happened so shortly before Halloween, any number of white people (who are always passionate about adopting “too soon” costumes) will jump to be the first to make Tom roll over in his grave. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">What you’ll see: </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">“Last Dance with Mary Jane”</i> with Dead Tom, his rotting corpse of a Kim Basinger wife, and probably some sort of hack-ass reference to weed. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">It took Jesus three days to come back from the dead, but it will take Tom Petty roughly until Halloween to accomplish the same feat. </span></div>
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<b style="background-color: white; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Zombie Hugh Hefner</b></div>
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<figure class="tmblr-full" data-orig-height="600" data-orig-width="600" style="border: 0px; color: #4f4f4f; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: white;"><img data-orig-height="600" data-orig-width="600" height="500" src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/73144b897a24bab5b769cfe7d649c56d/tumblr_inline_oyg0eejt7J1voq2dn_500.jpg" style="border: 0px; display: inline-block; height: auto; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px !important; max-width: 100%; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" width="500" /></span></figure><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">As obvious as a giant pair of fake tits sitting on a bony ribcage, the Zombie Hugh Hefner will be a very popular garb this year. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">Pair the outfit with a blow up doll for solo action (or a skeleton with fun bags taped to it), or as a couples costume with a sexily clad zombie playmate. What do you get? A cliche that can fold out into a centerfold worthy of being shoved between the mattresses of 12 year old boys everywhere. …Or kept in a tree fort in the woods. Dealer’s choice. </span></div>
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<b style="background-color: white; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Frederica Wilson</b></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">Everyone’s favorite rodeo clown/member of Congress may step up to rival the most over-worn costume of 2017. The combination of ridiculousness that exudes from her naturally, combined with the ease of finding ridiculous cowboy hats makes it too good to pass up for the average citizen. The only way I could see this being a great costume is if some enterprising group of women teamed up to create…</span></div>
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<b style="background-color: white; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">FREDERICA WILSON PHILLIPS</b></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">YESSSSS. You know you want to do it. Call your friends, kidnap a neighbor, drug a local child, whatever it takes…Frederica Wilson Phillips is the group costume that MUST HAPPEN. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">I know there’s pain<br />Why do you lock yourself up in these chains?<br />No one can change your life except for you<br />Don’t ever let anyone step all over you<br />Just open your heart and your mind<br />Is it really fair to feel this way inside?Some day somebody’s gonna make you want to<br />Turn around and say goodbye<br />Until then baby are you going to let them<br />Hold you down and make you cry<br />Don’t you know?<br />Don’t you know things can change<br />Things’ll go your way<br />If you hold on for one more day<br />Can you hold on for one more day<br />Things’ll go your way<br />Hold on for one more day</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">Hold on for one more Halloween, kiddies. </span></div>
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-25650680617786291902017-01-21T11:10:00.000-08:002017-01-23T11:25:29.414-08:00The NBC Late Night Writers Workshop Packet That Never Was <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So, every year <a href="http://www.nbcunitips.com/late-night-writers-workshop/" target="_blank">NBC hosts a workshop</a> run by some of its writers and producers across the late night spectrum and is a fantastic way to work into the incredibly hard to crack club of comedy writing. This year I actually had the forethought to plan for this workshop, which requires a submission packet that consists of 1-2 pages of monologue jokes, 1-2 pages of "desk" sketches and two original sketches.<br />
<br />
With my standup experience, writing the monologue jokes was easy enough, and I have ample sketch ideas and creative comedy chops to make putting the sketch components together simple enough. The one thing I didn't have, however, was the foresight to open the submission waiver that is required to accompany any packet.<br />
<br />
Essentially this is just a waiver to protect NBC from any lawsuits over "stealing" of materials, which typically comes from writers complaining their jokes were stolen because another writer had a similar idea. It happens all the time with pop culture jokes.<br />
<br />
Thus...after working my goddamn ass off for two days to create this crackalacking packet, sure to wow the powers that be in late night comedy writing, I went to send my material through via the NBC website, opened the submission waiver form, and then realized it had to be printed out and signed, have some content lines written in, then scanned and uploaded. Naturally, my printer is broken at home and at 11pm on the eve of the deadline I was dead in the water. Moral of the story: don't procrastinate (despite it being the absolute KEY to creativity) and check if shit has to be printed out. (What is this, the fucking 1800s?).<br />
<br />
Anyway, I put a lot of effort into this bastard so might as well throw it out there for the world to read. The desk sketches I can re-use next year so I'll keep those to myself, but the monologue jokes and Trumpketeers sketches are yesterday's meal. Excuse the formatting on the Trump sketch, Final Draft cuts and pastes like shit and I'm not going to spend 20 minutes re-formatting it. Enjoy the fruits of my wasted labor.<br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11.000000pt; font-weight: 700;">MCWILLIAMS - NBC LATE NIGHT WRITER’S WORKSHOP PACKET
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11.000000pt; font-weight: 700;">MONOLOGUE JOKES
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<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">The new film “Hidden Figures” is leading the box office. Ticket sales are largely attributed to
political journalists going in the hopes it was a movie about Donald Trump’s tax returns.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">Donald Trump’s Inauguration is expected to draw the largest group of protesters ever at an
inaugural event. A group calling themselves the Motorcyclists for Trump have volunteered to
keep the peace. Because as anyone will tell you, biker gangs are just like police without badges,
licensed firearms or aversions to doing meth off of underaged prostitutes.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">The Superbowl is just around the corner. Very exciting. Unfortunately this will actually be the
last year that we’ll be able to call it the Superbowl. Donald Trump has announced once he’s in
office it will only be referred to as the Yuge Bowl.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">The NBA is discussing shortening basketball games for Millenials’ attention spans. When polled
the “Greatest Generation” had a different solution: killing them by the thousands.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">Ringling Bros Circus to close after 146 years. The primary reasons for closing were the massive
increase in peanut prices and the drastic drop in market price for elephant meat.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">President Obama has declared that Cubans arriving by sea will no longer be accepted into
America, saying that “Cubans must now come into this country in the same traditionally way of
the Cuban goods which preceded them: Smuggled in the luggage of flight attendants with
cocaine addictions.”
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">Jimmy “Supafly” Snuka passed away recently. Or as we’re calling him now, Jimmy “Covered in
Supa-flies” Snuka.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">Trump and Putin will meet in Iceland on Trump’s first presidential trip. Rumor has it that Trump’s
goal in their first meeting is to convince President Putin to rename Russia’s top musical, “Putin
on the Ritz,” to “Putin on the Taj Mahal.”
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">Jaden Smith threatened to leave Los Angeles after failing his driving test. To console him his
father Will Smith went out and arranged for Jaden to star in a Sony movie. That way he has
another expensive new vehicle to fail in.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">Jaden Smith threatened to leave Los Angeles after failing his driving test. Most likely he’ll be
staying, however, and doing what most actors who have failed in expensive Hollywood vehicles
do: accept a recurring role on basic cable TV.
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<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">Johnny Depp and Amber Heard have finalized their divorce. He’ll get 70% of their shared
scarves, while she’ll get to keep 30% of his zany character ticks.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">Michael Keaton is starring in a new film about the founder of McDonald’s. Producers said they
were inspired to cast Keaton because of his previous role in “Beetlejuice.” Both characters
business was “getting rid of the living.”
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">Trump having trouble getting musicians to play his Inauguration. I hear the backup plan is just to
play Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” over the PA system.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">“A Series of Unfortunate Events” just debuted on Netflix and is one of the most popular new
shows on the streaming service. However, most viewers only watched one episode before
realizing it wasn’t a documentary about Hillary Clinton’s presidential run.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">Donald Trump met with Kanye West at his home recently. Insiders report they got off to a rocky
start after Trump congratulated Kanye on his nomination for the Secretary of Urban Housing
Development and West responded, “I’m not Ben Carson, bro.”
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">Ben Carson recently had his confirmation hearing to take over the position of Secretary of
Urban Housing Development. When asked why a heart surgeon who knew more about the
aorta than buildings would make sense for this post, Carson replied. “I have no idea. I guess
</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11.000000pt; font-style: italic;">they-orta </span><span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">nominated someone else.” (intentional groaner)
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11.000000pt; font-weight: 700;">DESK BIT</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11.000000pt; font-weight: 700;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11.000000pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 700;">Deleted Trump Texts
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 11.000000pt;">Host: We all know President (Elect) Donald Trump likes to Tweet and doesn’t pull any punches.
Or does he? The Late Night staff’s insider at the Trump camp leaked us his deleted Tweet
drafts so we can see the original versions.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.000000pt; font-style: italic;">Tweeted: </span><span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Donald J. Trump </span><span style="font-family: "gautami"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">@realDonaldTrump </span><span style="font-family: "gautami"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Jan 10<br />
FAKE NEWS - A TOTAL POLITICAL WITCH HUNT!<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.000000pt; font-style: italic;">Deleted Draft</span><span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">: FAKE NUDES - MELANIA, STOP USING BODY DOUBLES!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.000000pt; font-style: italic;">Tweeted: </span><span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Donald J. Trump </span><span style="font-family: "gautami"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">@realDonaldTrump </span><span style="font-family: "gautami"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Jan 13<br />
The "Unaffordable" Care Act will soon be history!<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.000000pt; font-style: italic;">Deleted Draft</span><span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">: The "Unaffordable" Care Act will soon be as dead as people with
preexisting conditions!<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.000000pt; font-style: italic;">Tweeted: </span><span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Donald J. Trump </span><span style="font-family: "gautami"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">@realDonaldTrump </span><span style="font-family: "gautami"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Jan 15<br />
@NBCNews</span><span style="font-family: "gautami"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">is bad but Saturday Night Live is the worst of NBC. Not funny, cast is
terrible, always a complete hit job. Really bad television!<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.000000pt; font-style: italic;">Deleted Draft</span><span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">: </span><span style="font-family: "gautami"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">@NBCNews</span><span style="font-family: "gautami"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arialmt"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">is bad but (INSERT NAME OF LATE NIGHT SHOW). Not
funny, cast is terrible, always a complete hit job. Really bad television!
</span><br />
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<span style="color: rgb(16.100000% , 18.400000% , 20.000000%); font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.000000pt; font-weight: 700;">SKETCHES
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<span style="color: rgb(16.100000% , 18.400000% , 20.000000%); font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.000000pt; font-weight: 700;"><i>The Trumpketeers</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">TEXT: TRUMP TV PRESENTS: THE TRUMPKETEERS!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">INT. KIDS TELEVISION SHOW STAGE - DAY
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">A stage that is part kid-themed with rainbows and ponies is
merged with ostentatious gold, clamshells, etc. A large
golden sign hangs in the background reading “THE
TRUMPKETEERS”
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Donald Trump walks onstage to kiddie theme song music dressed
in overalls styled like a fine suit.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">DONALD TRUMP<br />
Hi kids. It’s your uncle Donald </span><span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;">here. Are you ready to make kids TV
great again?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">The kids all loudly CHEER.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">DONALD TRUMP </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">(CONT’D)
That’s great. That’s wonderful. I </span><span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;">know a lot of smart people who told
me I was great with kids, which is
great because they know my kids.
One of them is here tonight: Donald
Trump Jr.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">ANGLE ON: TRUMP JR. IN CROWD
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Donald Trump Jr. is surrounded by kids. He has a propeller
beanie on and is eating a large cotton candy.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">DONALD TRUMP JR. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Hi Uncle Trump!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;">DONALD TRUMP </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;">I’m your father, dummy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">DONALD TRUMP JR. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Hi Uncle Trump!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">DONALD TRUMP </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">It’s fine, he takes after his </span><span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;">mother. One of them, I don’t
remember which. I’ve got some brand
new kids I want everyone to
meet...are you excited to meet my
good friends, very nice people, the
Trumpketeers?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">The audience cheers wildly. One by one children with their
hair wildly coiffed like Donald Trump’s emerge wearing kid
sized business attire as their names are called.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">DONALD TRUMP </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">(CONT’D)
Meet Kimmie!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">KIMMIE </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">I’m Kimmie! I was born in America </span><span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;">and I love to double down on
eleven!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">DONALD TRUMP </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;">Jimmie!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">
An Asian boy comes out.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">JIMMIE<br />
I’m Jimmie! My favorite game is </span><span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;">Majong and my favorite government power is
eminent domain! Get your house off
of my casino parking lot!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Donald Trump ruffles his hair as he skips away.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 16px;">DONALD TRUMP</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Vladimir!
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<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">VLADIMIR<br />
Allo American children! I am </span><span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;">Vladimir. Hello capitalist Uncle.
May I play with your mobile email
device with my comrades? What is
your favorite color, first pet’s
name and birth date of Ivanka
please?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">DONALD TRUMP<br />
Hey, you little skamp, do I look </span><span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;">like my name’s Uncle Clinton? Get
out of here you kidder.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">VLADIMIR<br />
No turnips for Vladimir tonight.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Dejected, Vladimir shuffles away.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">DONALD TRUMP
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Rajeeya!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br />
A Middle Eastern girl skips out.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">RAJEEYA </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">I’m Rajeeya! I...
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<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">DONALD TRUMP<br />
I know who you are, Rajeeya. I’m </span><span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;">watching you. I’m watching your
family. So don’t you try anything.
Get lost.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Trump does the “I’m watching you” fingers to eyes point at
her, then at the corner the kids are standing in.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">RAJEEYA<br />
I don’t understand, I just want to </span><span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;">play and have fun...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">DONALD TRUMP </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Save it for the sheik.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Rajeeya walks over to Jimmie and Kimmie who console her.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">DONALD TRUMP </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">(CONT’D)
Meet Poncho!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">A Latino boy skips out.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">DONALD TRUMP </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">(CONT’D)
What the hell? Who is this failing </span><span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;">pile of garbage? Who let you in
here?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">PONCHO<br />
I was invited to be a Trumpketeer.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">DONALD TRUMP<br />
I don’t think so, Poncho. That’s </span><span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;">not how I run my show. Know what we
do to liars like Poncho, kids?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">AUDIENCE </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Wall him in!
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Kiddie playtime music begins to play as large foam blocks
fall from the ceiling. The kids pick them up and build a wall
around Poncho, who looks incredibly sad as he’s walled in.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">DONALD TRUMP </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Problem solved.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">He pulls out a BILL from his overalls.
</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">DONALD TRUMP </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">(CONT’D)
Here, give that to your parents. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">(beat) </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;">Hey boys and girls, it looks like
it’s time for the Magic Ponies of
Pudding Junction to share another
one of their yuge, fantastic
stories.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Cartoon theme song music starts to play.
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">DONALD TRUMP </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">(CONT’D)
Wait, Ponies of Pudding Junction? </span><span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;">That can’t be a real place. Turn it
off, turn off the music. Stop. The.
Music. This is all fake. I have
been to Pudding Place, but not
Pudding Junction. It doesn’t exist,
this is fake news. You’re fake
news, Ponies! That’s it, show’s
over, kids.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">Outro music plays as Trump walks off stage. The lights
darken, all the kids file out. In almost total black we
hear...
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">PONCHO<br />
Hello? Uncle Trump? Anyone? Hello?
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courierfinaldraft"; font-size: 12.000000pt;">END
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-69648267045866067302016-10-20T16:28:00.000-07:002016-10-21T14:30:14.244-07:00Tardville's Definitive Guide to the Most Cliche Halloween Costumes of 2016!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: inherit;">It's almost Halloween and you know what that means...it's time for Tardville's annual <b>Guide to the Most Cliche Halloween Costumes of 2016!</b></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqeahUf-wH3DUfOJxiXvmI_6KwhQ74JtRGDYoPZv2DhaQjqfC3dknOKua9vJXZowpVJYRXv9UDs1ALcOZvR-QM8kT-oYlNjqMDER7XACU8LtQYm8oaGFauBApD_Wu3iiSYXPcwuQ/s1600/kenneth_bone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqeahUf-wH3DUfOJxiXvmI_6KwhQ74JtRGDYoPZv2DhaQjqfC3dknOKua9vJXZowpVJYRXv9UDs1ALcOZvR-QM8kT-oYlNjqMDER7XACU8LtQYm8oaGFauBApD_Wu3iiSYXPcwuQ/s320/kenneth_bone.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Ken Bone is waiting with a leery eye...</div>
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<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: inherit;">I know I'm writing this a little late this year, so many of you will be reading this and shaking your head as you look at your terrible, cliche piece of shit costume that's draped over the end of your bed, mocking you for being an idiot. But some of you may yet have a chance! </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: inherit;">As always, I have done hours upon hours of extensive research to uncover the most unoriginal, cliche and stupid costumes that you will see no fewer than 400 times at your regional Halloween parties. Everyone thinks they're going to wow the crowd with their hilarious and clever take on pop culture...THEY WILL BE WRONG. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333;"><br /><b style="font-family: inherit;">TRUMP / CLINTON</b><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;">You'll see a million Trumps and Clintons, </span><a href="http://www.welcome2tardville.com/2015/10/tardvilles-definitive-guide-to-most.html" style="font-family: inherit;" target="_blank">even more than last year.</a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> Don't be one of them. No, it's not funny even if you bring a blow up doll around with you and grab its vagina all the time and your friend dresses as Billy Bush. </span><br /><br />ALTERNATE: A Kim Jong Un / Hillary Clinton crossover dictator outfit would be pretty funny. </span></div>
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<a href="https://nyppagesix.files.wordpress.com/2016/10/trump-billy.jpg?quality=90&strip=all&w=664&h=441&crop=1" imageanchor="1" style="background-color: transparent; display: inline !important; font-family: inherit; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="132" src="https://nyppagesix.files.wordpress.com/2016/10/trump-billy.jpg?quality=90&strip=all&w=664&h=441&crop=1" width="200" /></a></div>
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<b style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;">FEMALE GHOSTBUSTER</b></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa;">Chicks going out dressed like the Ghostbusters was actually a cool costume once upon a time. Sexy Ghostbusters? Even better! But you know what ruined it? An actual movie called <i>Ghostbusters</i> starring women. Now it's not a cute or clever idea, it's just a fucking costume from a movie that came out this year. And on top of that, if you wear it, are you making a statement, like "fuck all the haterzzz!?" Or just wearing it because you like the original, fantastic <i>Ghostbusters, </i>or even the remake<i> </i>no matter how shitty the movie may or may not have been? The world may never know. But one thing they will know is that you're an unoriginal twat pocket. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa;">You'll see guys that think they're clever dressing up in a wig of course - they'll say "this is my KRISTEN WIG!" and think their pun is funny. THAT is when you grab the cardboard tube they're using as a proton accelerator out of their hands and smash them straight in the dick. </span></span></div>
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Those were the days, old friend...</div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa;"><b>ZIKA VIRUS BABY</b></span></span></div>
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There's always someone going for the shock appeal and this year the shock appeal lies in a friendly little virus named Zika. You'll see at least one guy going around dressed as a baby with a malformed head and a giant mosquito on his shoulder. As the sun rises, so will this costume.</div>
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On the other hand, I would applaud someone dressing up as the Zika Virus Mosquito, buzzing around parties and sucking on people's heads. Go figure.</div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa;"><b style="background-color: transparent;">STRANGER THINGS</b></span></span></div>
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We all loved <i>Stranger Things</i> - it brought back all the gooey, ill-fitting 80s nostalgia Gen-Y and Millenials love. Eleven, the little shaved head girl! That really skinny girl with the giant head you kind of want to have sex with but also think that might be illegal! The monster with the wrapped-up flower face full of teeth! Ah, all so wonderful. And because of all that wonderment, you will see seven thousand people dressed up as Eleven - guys with shaved heads, gals with shaved heads, bald caps, hospital gowns and all the fake red nose blood you can snort along with your bathroom cocaine. You'll even see group costumes with her and the rest of the Goonies and maybe even the Sheriff. The good ones will have a black friend in the group.</div>
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Resist the temptation! Be like the creepy older brother and hide in the woods, taking half-nudie pictures of your skinny, big-headed neighbor when your friends bring the concept up. Set bear traps in the hallway, and when you hear it SNAP on the femur of the one you called friend, run away! Ignore his cries for help or mercy, for he has BETRAYED YOU with a SHITTY HALLOWEEN COSTUME.</div>
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<a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMjEzMDAxOTUyMV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwNzAxMzYzOTE@._V1_UY1200_CR90,0,630,1200_AL_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMjEzMDAxOTUyMV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwNzAxMzYzOTE@._V1_UY1200_CR90,0,630,1200_AL_.jpg" width="168" /></a></div>
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<b>KEN BONE</b></div>
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I can say with 100% certainty this will be the most over-worn, cliche costume of 2016. It's easy. It's recent. He's a funny, frumpy little man that people love. He has a mustache. He's like a dorky Burt Reynolds, so both nerdy girls and the Sally Fields of the world will coo over this costume. But there AREN'T ENOUGH TO GO AROUND if everyone is wearing it!</div>
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Take your red sweater and your packet of fake mustaches and shove them right into Hillary's email hidey hole!</div>
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If you see a Ken Bone costumed reveler, beat him like a paid-for-by-Clinton Democratic rabble rouser at a Trump rally.</div>
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<a href="http://i.imgur.com/k9wSdUw.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/k9wSdUw.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></div>
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<b>HARLEY QUINN FROM <i>SUICIDE SQUAD</i></b></div>
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"Hey girl, what you going to be for Halloween this year?" "Girl, I'm going to be a badass bitch, I'm going as Harley Quinn! It's about time we had a kick ass chick in a movie!" - every girl. On the bright side, it certainly is a sexy outfit. On the downside, very, VERY difficult to tell if the girl under all that makeup and crazy is actually addicted to meth, and if her act means she'll DO things FOR meth. Or do things BECAUSE of meth...like stab you and steal your Playstation 4. Gotta just feel that out and play it by ear as the night goes on. </div>
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<a href="http://www.ew.com/sites/default/files/styles/tout_image_612x380/public/i/2016/08/02/suicide-squad.jpg?itok=8MM2E5v6" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.ew.com/sites/default/files/styles/tout_image_612x380/public/i/2016/08/02/suicide-squad.jpg?itok=8MM2E5v6" height="198" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>WESTWORLD</b></div>
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Look, it's a great show. But this is the laziest costume anyone can wear. The lamest outfit at any Halloween party is the fucking Cowboy/Cowgirl. What's <i>WestWorld?</i> A bunch of Cowboys and Cowgirls. "They're robots though!" you may say, because you're an idiot. Oh really? Well in this show that's pretty damn hard to tell ain't it? They don't have half metal faces like Arnold in <i>T2.</i> So you're just a stupid, unoriginal Cowboy. And I hate you.</div>
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<b>WESTWORLD DONE RIGHT</b></div>
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You want to get this party started right? Go big. Go NUDE. Hell, even a body stocking with nudie bits and a merkin would work, though still be a cop-out. Walk around buck ass naked with the dead eyes and slap at a fly on your neck all the time. BAM! Winning costume.</div>
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Now go out there and put some razors in some candy. Happy Halloween. </div>
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-22350143403788966272015-12-07T10:34:00.000-08:002017-07-26T14:29:46.687-07:00 AN OPEN LETTER TO AMC THEATRES REGARDING THE ABOMINATION THE DINE-IN MENU HAS BECOME<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMauGsQTePfU7rVlX6CQzspu6kx9LnulWI3rqfDmveEog6MKCH5RgoNihoNcLWyPfGg-M-hD-_VPk4P-85CzcCZp4Rhd_LxvOXmNM8IMBnS_y9i1EhB4c3AT6Ge_np4XNpLbkKzQ/s1600/AMC-Dine-In.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMauGsQTePfU7rVlX6CQzspu6kx9LnulWI3rqfDmveEog6MKCH5RgoNihoNcLWyPfGg-M-hD-_VPk4P-85CzcCZp4Rhd_LxvOXmNM8IMBnS_y9i1EhB4c3AT6Ge_np4XNpLbkKzQ/s320/AMC-Dine-In.jpg" width="320" /></a>Because AMC's corporate website doesn't provide a contact email, and the submission form doesn't provide enough characters for me to voice my entire issue, I've decided to post my letter to them regarding the terrible menu at their Dine-In theaters publicly.<br />
<br />
In speaking to many friends, I've found everyone agrees: the menu, which was great, has been utterly destroyed. It's crap. Garbage. A waste of time and money, and clearly has been reconfigured for speed and to save AMC money. Don't buy that trash, and please do share this post if you agree. Let's put the power of social media and the internet to work and get a decent dining experience back. Feel free to add your own gripes or lamented lost menu items in the comments.<br />
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<b>AN OPEN LETTER TO AMC THEATRES REGARDING THE ABOMINATION THE DINE-IN MENU HAS BECOME: </b><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">To whom it may concern,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">I’m writing this letter out
of frank disgust at what’s happened to an experience that had truly become one
of my favorite pastimes, that being enjoying a film at AMC’s Dine In theater.
The specific theater in question is the <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">AMC
Dine</span><span style="background: white;">-in Theaters</span> <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Marina 6</span> <span style="background: white;">in</span> <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Marina </span><span style="background: white;">Del Rey, CA. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="background: white; font-family: "arial";">Without
using hyperbole, I would estimate that I would attend a film roughly once per
month with my fiancé, and often with friends, for between 6 months and a year
(the exact dates escape me). Typically I would spend between $70-90 per trip on
food and beverage, plus the $40 for two tickets. I didn’t mind this, because I
felt that the value was worth it. I was getting served in my seat, and most
importantly the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>food was good.</u></b>
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="background: white; font-family: "arial";">I honestly
don’t know what marketing or executive mind decided that the Dine-In experience
had a desperate need to be made vastly worse, but over the past 6 months or
more I have seen the original menu destroyed. What had been good bistro-style
food choices (delicious sandwiches, salads, small meals, etc.) were phased out
and replaced with utter crap befitting any typical theater. Not even mall food
court quality or selection. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="background: white; font-family: "arial";">AMC has
systematically removed every single menu item that I and my friends enjoyed. A
short list:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="background: white; font-family: "arial";">Breadstick
Sampler (by far the best item on the menu, and also the first killed off)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Large Cesar Salad<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Thai Bang Shrimp Tacos<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Prime Rib sandwich <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Buffalo chicken bites
(removed from the NEW menu and replaced with “boneless wings," which are just crappy CHICKEN FINGERS that are CUT IN HALF. Idiotic.) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Mudslide drink<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Chocolate martini<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">I
honestly don’t exaggerate when I say that every single person I know has now
abandoned AMC Dine In SOLELY because the menu is trash now. In just the people
I have spoken with recently, this numbers no fewer than fifteen. The Cinemark
that has opened up nearby offers a lesser film experience regarding seating, spacing and privacy, but it’s far cheaper. The
FOOD is better. They’ll still bring my food to me in my seat. Why in the world
would I opt for terrible food that will cost me more? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Last
night I saw “Krampus” at the AMC 6 Dine In. It will be my last time patronizing
this theater until I see a menu that’s worth my money. Stop dumbing down the
menu with fried garbage, hamburgers and other cheap crap and give your customers decent dining options. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Sincerely,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">EVERYONE</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><b>UPDATE: AMC's response:</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">
</span>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Thank you for contacting AMC Theatres. We received your comments regarding your recent visit to Marina 6 Dine In Theatre and the changes to the Dine-in theatre menu. I apologize for any disappointment these changes have caused. There were plans to change the menu in place for a while and we felt it was time to make some updates. The menu change is permanent and there are no current plans to keep or bring back any discontinued items. That being said, we are currently gathering feedback from our guests. I am happy to pass on your feedback to our Food and Beverage department for review. When making any changes to the menus and food items, guest feedback is definitely an important part of that decision making process.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Thank you again for taking the time to contact us and we hope to see you at the movies again soon.</span></blockquote>
</blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><u></u><u></u></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Weak. </span></div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-59386936138815325042015-11-06T10:44:00.000-08:002015-11-06T10:55:00.429-08:00Ghost or Scooby Doo Villain? 5 Easy Ways To Tell<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://saturdaymorningsforever.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="337" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixqcJpm5Xs4z9Zt6s0N8tD1JSchXOajgdPaSgYhO8R74UxBB3WNPD0xE9qyAy1BoVLjBrzOlxG9g4ukMk9zSzgyNiA6aflSZhzreBtMOo5f0fTMOVUVRuXLq7D_0mSR2oBXX6bdQ/s400/Scoob1.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
The world can be a terrifying place, and one made more
confusing by the constant question that runs through all of our minds: “Am I
being haunted, or am I a victim of Scooby Doo Villainy?” In today’s society it’s
vital that every American be able to discern if they’re being haunted by an
actual spook rather than being Scoobied.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoBodyText">
With that in mind, here are 5 simple ways to tell if
you’re dealing with a real ghost or simply a foam-coated fuckball. </div>
<h2>
<span style="color: windowtext;">Double Check Who You’re Spending Time With <o:p></o:p></span></h2>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.5minutesformom.com/70141/do-you-love-the-globetrotters-they-may-be-coming-to-a-town-near-you-globiefamily/" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiecibllU0TD-SeHLST-3VJDkd_WKrGRXGc5szwAzhCMq2BoAHWRO1xuey_xnQ8ZbATBZQ-_o5kZQouGfO1mzRkrUSK74yxSgVCs695ClfATaHT0yQgAEnclNwjNZtQsws_OWhW4g/s400/Scoob2.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div>
Ask yourself, are you attracting costumed villainy by
hanging with the wrong crowd? Do you spend an inordinate amount of time with
the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jezq-FY7N4Q">Harlem Globetrotters</a>?
It’s common knowledge that these on-court jesters are magnets for Scooby Doo
villains that should be avoided at all costs. I’d also strongly recommend
against palling around with Casey Kasem, who is not only the voice of Shaggy,
but also happens to be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">dead</i>, which
confuses the whole issue. I mean, hell, if you’re hanging with C.K., riffing on
the Top 40, you’re already hanging with a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">real
</i>ghost and then doubling down on the Scooby Goobers he attracts.</div>
<h2>
<span style="color: windowtext;">You Really Think <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You </i>Deserve to Be Haunted, Hot Shot? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></h2>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.etonline.com/dailyfirst/140697_Ghost_Movie_Becoming_a_TV_Show/" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe68e8c5SrV6wGuVN7GCHwdorFU75h6G2BkON1Mk5Ig4B4tt0f8TOxfDXupef4q7ZX26Cs9jUjeYCDtYXexjo8Un_fdzQRDRo_YxIA4bIw7LzjBUUbqM0mpG_KAN3Dx-_C7xYJuw/s400/Scoob3.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div>
What makes you think that someone with your personality,
middle of the road looks and income bracket would even warrant a haunting? You
can’t get a date, let alone a poltergeist.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText">
Ghosts have a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">purpose.</i>
They have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">shit to do.</i> Some unfulfilled
vengeance, a sack of bones in a closet that needs to be found, being reunited
with a dead baby ghost or maybe just some good old-fashioned
ghost-on-Demi-Moore sex. You think that for some crazy reason they’re bumping
all that to haunt <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">your</i> sorry ass?
Unless you’ve desecrated a corpse, built your house on an Indian burial ground
or physically murdered someone, you’re probably not being haunted by an actual
ghost. </div>
<h2>
<span style="color: windowtext;">Check Your Location <o:p></o:p></span></h2>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://scoobydoo.wikia.com/wiki/File:San_Francisco_Wax_Museum.jpg" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7zaDYyLJ4i6UkSJlNzTaXwVSMx4zmeQZMEPNV-47PZf2KIsn7DyPf22hRKNDmUB0Aah-KjZEZMm8-UQxE_o2SSFnaP1iwL04Xj3s6m6NJotv89UaWj9nO5jt6KSQLZ5dDS5ZMcg/s400/Scoob4.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div>
Look around and if your environment includes any of the
following, you’re more than likely a victim of Scooby Doo villainy: Old Movie Theater,
Abandoned Theme Park, Opera House, Pirate Ship, Natural History Museum,
Egyptian Pyramid, Planetarium, Wild West Ghost Town, Lighthouse, or anywhere
with wax figures. While real ghosts could haunt any of these places, typically
they don’t haunt places of business. However, a generic senile groundskeeper
who may have majored in stagecraft at a community college, or the greedy
business owner with a penchant for hologram technology who’s looking to
continue embezzlement will feel right at home.</div>
<div class="MsoBodyText">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText">
The point is, it’s all about location, location, location,
and knowing yours could mean the difference between escaping intact or becoming
a Scooby Snack.</div>
<h2>
<span style="color: windowtext;">How Many Secret Passageways and/or Trap
Doors Are There? </span></h2>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://scoobydoo.wikia.com/wiki/File:Headless_Specter_in_a_secret_passage.png" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb597Jejp4_qQxlJS6mcugyxwe7m8f3hK0U6o0IXYjcm5mQx1-YKznoi9wxpX-gJ22PtqLSKPi_XaAZAwNcjOOWKOtZPya1knfzvNrPSEAwvgiVLvwkRFIZf12PnEwgmR2Oz0gUQ/s400/Scoob5.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div>
Have you been slipping through secret tunnels in the
walls, opening large paintings to reveal hidden rooms of videotaping equipment,
or fallen through a trap door?<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </span>If
you answered “yes” to any of these, you’re probably dealing with Scooby Doo
villainy.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText">
Ghosts tend to float through walls, appear out of thin air
and be pretty ethereal overall. They <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">don’t</i>
access secret panels in the grandfather clock and live in the walls like the
goddamn cricket that won’t stop chirping all night that you can’t get to
without ruining the stucco and by extension your chance of getting your full
security deposit back. <br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText">
These ghosts ain’t Webster, and you’re no Mr.
Papadopoulos. Keep that in mind when your haunting gets heavy. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Webster_(TV_series)#mediaviewer/File:Webster_Titl e_Screen.png" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpzR2PGiR_XI9MniRPnANBMgSaZJ9F2eaPpyk058cmoIh-8fbddksk-HCBwzyv1vO4KfYrV8R7sTJ_X6IT1P8wnFw9bBvBFSjZZa_Qsz9uILIqp0Z4eygsPpHESMRn21GA1jiTcA/s400/Sboo6.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: large;">Your Ghost Is Overly Talkative</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; tab-stops: 0in;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://scoobydoo.wikia.com/wiki/Ghost_of_Mr._Hyde" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigpE09iX2eV2124XBD-AMUc7LcrniTzQnPVBTRg2tKFcTtd5uOnnZN_-n2gEhH0RCh6BpyTXJrTo-ccUHyGHUljYrOql-uYvV2yq5saEFc72vdKTR0FZ0MnPvOiMLgQudqIniSKg/s400/Scoob7.png" width="400" /></a></div>
Does your specter tend to ramble on and on, going into
vast detail about where you shouldn’t go, why you shouldn’t go there or what
will happen to you if you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do</i> go
there? Ghosts mainly stick to moaning, clanking things around and possessing
your body in order to force you to murder your own children. When ghouls start gabbing
it’s a pretty clear indication that it’s a dude in some latex, or a holographic
projection of Tupac (and yes, Coachella Tupac was a Scooby Doo villain)
intended to scare you off of what could be a gold mine.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText">
For ghosts, coming to our plane of existence is like
calling a 1-900 number - they just want to get in, blow their load and hang up.
Not chat for hours. <br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText">
Following these 5 simple tips, you should be able to
decode whether or not your ghost is genuine or not. Or you could grow up,
because ghosts <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">aren’t fucking real </i>and
only idiots believe in them. If 1000 cumulative episodes of rock-hard
ghost-bonered nerds and dude-bros hunting down the paranormal haven’t yielded
any evidence yet, it’s a pretty good indication that ghosts just don’t exist. Not
to mention that there would be ghost dinosaurs everywhere. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It’s all Scooby Doo Villainy. </i></b></div>
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-27421317773480561442015-10-22T14:51:00.001-07:002015-10-28T11:01:36.891-07:00Tardville's Definitive Guide to the Most Cliche Halloween Costumes of 2015<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The most anticipated column of the year has arrived, <b>Welcome to Tardville's Do's and Don'ts for Halloween</b>, just in time to stop you from making a horrible mistake. It might even stop you from making two mistakes if you read this before you sleep with that 14 year old runaway who looks kinda/maybe like she might be legal. Don't do it, man! It's just not worth it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As always, I have done hours upon hours of extensive research to uncover the most unoriginal, cliche and stupid costumes that you will see no fewer than 400 times at your regional Halloween parties. Everyone thinks they're going to wow the crowd with their hilarious and clever take on pop culture...THEY WILL BE WRONG. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;">You can see </span><a href="http://www.welcome2tardville.com/2014/10/tardvilles-definitive-guide-to-cliche.html" target="_blank">last year's advice here</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;">. Now then, onto the costumes!</span></span><br />
<b style="color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<b style="color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">THE DONT'S</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.6px;"><b>Donald Trump</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Yes, everyone loves poking fun at Donald Trump. The hair! The catchphrases! The hatred of immigrants! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's easy to fall into the pit of Trumpdom, just like every other unoriginal dickscabbard out there who owns a suit and a license to bore the shit out of people at Halloween parties. Prepare for:</span><br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">"Hilariously" coiffed hair</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">People carrying around model border walls</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">Terrible impressions that won't tap into his political comments, but instead will fall back on the tired trope of "you're fired!"</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">Girlfriends of Trump impersonators dolled up as Ivana, who can't pull it off </span></li>
</ul>
<b style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 19.6px;">(Dead) Celebrity Chef Paul Prudholmme</b><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19.6px;">There is always one celebrity death that's easy to dress up as, and even though it's "too soon," still makes a prominent appearance. Celebrity Chef and father of gumbo, Paul Prudhomme is the "too soon" costume du jour in 2015. You'll see:</span></span></span><br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 19.6px;">Pillow-stuffed jagwagons wearing aprons and wearing berets</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 19.6px;">Pots full of goodies and/or skulls, guts and other offal, seeing as he's dead</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 19.6px;">Zombie wails of, "I need braaaains for my gumboooo!"</span></li>
</ul>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYI3OKZcJqMweUi5868FB_vBQsFVomCs-DscQKwnqQCBnoDiBUEsqoGU9-9n-CVlrq5A1Xd4pSAXnSbRVBqLbrUV18S1vh69aBb9I_MblW4oP5fTZuoo13PInx9CGoZFYKZxlHxA/s1600/paul-prudhomme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYI3OKZcJqMweUi5868FB_vBQsFVomCs-DscQKwnqQCBnoDiBUEsqoGU9-9n-CVlrq5A1Xd4pSAXnSbRVBqLbrUV18S1vh69aBb9I_MblW4oP5fTZuoo13PInx9CGoZFYKZxlHxA/s320/paul-prudhomme.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.6px;"><b>Bernie Sanders and/or Bernie Sanders as Doc Brown</b></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.6px;">Bernie Sanders' hair is fucking nutballs. Bernie Sanders' accent is also fucking nutballs. He sounds like a New Yorker who got punched in the throat halfway through eating a matzo ball. That makes for one easily copied character. Combine those iconic traits with the 2015 "Back to the Future" anniversary and Bernie's uncanny resemblance to Doc Brown and you have a costume everyone thinks is their own special observation, but in reality is no more novel than putting down toilet paper in a public restroom before you shit. Everyone has the same, obvious idea. And those who don't probably have ass herpes. Bernie and Doc even fucking got together to <a href="http://time.com/4082450/see-bernie-sanders-meet-doc-brown-on-back-to-the-future-day/" target="_blank">play the mirror game</a>. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.6px;">You'll see:</span></span><br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"Suited" Bernie carrying a flux capacitor (lazy)</span></span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Doc Brown Bernie in lab coat over the suit, sporting an American flag pin</span></span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Bernie Sanders in a cardboard Delorean </span></span></li>
</ul>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19.6px;">On that note, also avoid being ANYONE f</span></span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 19.6px;">rom "Back to the Future" this year. Marty McFly or Doc Brown are easy costumes that latecomers will throw together an hour before the party. They will be numerous. Consider 2015 a Marty Mc-no-Fly-zone.</span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.6px;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.6px;"><b>Dentist with Cecil the Lion</b></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19.6px;">Self-explanatory</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.6px;">. This will be one of two things:</span></span><br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">A dude in a dentist outfit with a toy rifle and a stuffed lion, covered in blood</span></span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">A dude in a dentist costume with a gal dressed up as Cecil the (sexy) Dead Lion. </span></span></li>
</ul>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 19.6px;">Both of these things are in bad taste and cliche, but only one of them can still be gotten away with. The other may get alcohol, paint or feces thrown on you. I'll leave it up to you to figure out which. </span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.6px;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.6px;"><b>Planned Parenthood </b></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.6px;">"Dead babies you say? That's the ideal Halloween costume! It's both timely and offensive!" - every dipshit you know. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">You'll see many, many people attend as some version of Planned Parenthood, both for and against. Fetuses will be many. So many that you may have to fight through a mound of them just to get to the bar. It's like that old joke: </span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">"Q: How many dead babies does it take to get a drink? A: Depends on how many of them had fetal alcohol syndrome!" </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ok, that's not a real joke and is probably/definitely incredibly offensive. I made that up on the fly, and you takes what you gets. But you get the point. Planned Parenthood. Dead babies. Unoriginal. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.6px;"><b>Caitlyn Jenner</b></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.6px;">Just stop. It's played out. Jokes at Caitlyn Jenner's expense have been stretched out farther than her dick skin when they used it to make her new vagina. No more. Still...this may be the most worn costume of the year. You'll see:</span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Female Caitlyn - men dressed as Caitlyn, doing shim's voice</span></span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Halfway Home Caitlyn - men dressed as female Cate, but still sporting a massive bulge </span></span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Group costume of the whole Kardashian family </span></span></li>
</ul>
<b style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 19.6px;">It's Going to be Totally Played Out, But Still Funny: </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 19.6px;"><b>Whorehouse Overdose Lamar Odom</b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Look, you WILL see people in this costume. And I have NO problem with that. It's just not going to be very unique, is all. Because of the recency, hilarity and relative ease in pulling off this costume (IF you're black. If you aren't black, avoid this at all costs for the sake of all white people), this will be a Halloween party favorite. You'll see:</span></span><br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Lamar in a Lakers jersey with a bottle of viagra and cocaine all over his face, holding a blow-up whore</span></span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Lamar "in bed," complete with a strapped on mattress, plus two blow-up dolls. And, of course, cocaine all over his face</span></span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Hospital Lamar - in the hospital dress, yet still with cocaine all over his face, plus a blow-up doll in a sexy nurse's outfit</span></span></li>
</ul>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 19.6px;">Really, the cocaine is key to this costume, so be sure to bring a bunch, find me, and then take me to the nearest bathroom stall. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<b style="color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">THE DO'S</span></b><br />
<b style="color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<b style="color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Ben Carson Riding on a Dinosaur</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19.6px;">At first you may read that and say, "what the fuck are you talking about?" But then, after reading about Ben Carson being a <a href="http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2015/09/ben-carson-creationism-six-days" target="_blank">Creationist</a> who believes the Earth is only 6,000 years old and humans and dinosaurs co-existed, you'll be like: dang. I gotta get me some o' that DinoCarson. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19.6px;">Just picture it: Presidential Candidate Carson as your top half, a dinosaur costume as your bottom half. An American flag in one hand and a bone for hunting wooly mammoths in the other. It's beautiful. There are no words.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<b style="color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Zombie Spock </span></b><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19.6px;">Leonard Nemoy was awesome, there's no debating that. But, he beamed up back in February. That's plenty of time, and a zombie Spock is kicking. Walking around, one pointy ear half-rotted off your head, tattered Star Trek uniform covered in blood, with your hands outstretched in the Vulcan symbol of prosperity...what's not to love? </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19.6px;"><br /></span></span>
<b style="color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The Pharma Douche Who Raised Price of HIV Meds to $700, Martin Shkreli</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Easiest topical costume EVER. I honestly doubt many people will rock this out, despite it being fantastically easy. If you don't know who Martin Shkreli is or what he looks like, <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2015/09/21/ceo-of-company-that-raised-the-price-of-old-pill-hundreds-of-dollars-overnight-calls-journalist-a-moron-for-asking-why/" target="_blank">go here</a>. All you need for this costume is:</span></span><br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Hair gel</span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Tortoise shell Ray Bans (or equivalent knock-offs)</span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">A polo shirt</span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 19.6px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">A giant bottle of pills/candy you can throw around and then yell at people "That'll be $700 bucks, AIDSY MCGOO!" </span></span></li>
</ul>
<div>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19.6px;">You're welcome.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19.6px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19.6px;">What will I be dressed as this year, you ask? Why, I'll be going AS Lamar Odom's whore with a blow up doll of Lamar Odom, of course! Gotta flip that script, kids. </span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19.6px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19.6px;">Happy Halloween! </span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">(<a href="http://s274.photobucket.com/user/statusquomustgo1/media/HALLOWEEN-3.jpg.html" target="_blank">Image source</a>)</span></div>
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-59064804029905171192015-08-28T12:03:00.000-07:002015-08-28T13:29:18.195-07:00How to Win Your Fantasy Football League EVERY TIME<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Fantasy Football has finally rescued us from that most awful of supposed American pastimes: Baseball. Everyone can put away the hats and jerseys, stuff them back with the gimp suit in the sex chest, and stop pretending to give a flying damn about a sport that plays an 8 month long season.<br />
<br />
The vast majority of the fantasy population will be hosting their league drafts this coming weekend in preparation for the season's start. Was I part of a small segment that drafted early, you might ask? Yes, yes I was. Did I draft Jordy Nelson (out with torn ACL) and Kelvin Benjamin (out with torn ACL) before their injuries and waste valuable resources? Yes, yes, I did. But my strategy was sound, as will be yours if you follow the advice in this column. I will, <u>with 100% certainty, win this league, and every other I'm playing in.</u> Let's get to it.<br />
<br />
<b>First, some initial rules for winning every time:</b><br />
- <u>Always</u> be the league commissioner. Don't worry, I won't ask you to cheat.<br />
- <u>Always</u> host the draft, and insist it's live.<br />
- <u>Always</u> insist everyone pays for league dues at the draft.<br />
<b></b><br />
<b></b>
<b>Now, some basics on draft strategy:</b><br />
<br />
You'll often hear that you <u>must</u> take a running back with your first pick. This is a position held by morons and fans of Big 10 Football that haven't accepted Quarterback Christ into their lives. I'm not talking about Tim Tebow - I'm taking about quarterbacks being the highest point scorers and a massive chasm between the very top echelon and the also-rans. You must kneel and worship at the alter of Aaron Rodgers. Hallowed be his Discount Double Check TD celebration. You don't agree? Well, keep reading...<br />
<br />
Running backs get injured often, have their offensive lines dictate their success more often than not, and are also incredibly easy to replace on the waiver wire. Jeremy Hill dominated last year. CJ Anderson did as well, who I picked up off the waiver in three leagues. Don't let idiots tell you not to take a quarterback or wide receiver early because of an antiquated theory.<br />
<br />
For example, I would draft:<br />
<br />
- Andrew Luck<br />
- Aaron Rodgers<br />
- Julio jones<br />
- Antonio Brown<br />
<br />
...all over a running back with my first pick.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsUty997wmFZ05vnjRU6TC9wqe1C6ReEm3q6Lk6h00lXsl4Xg7MGhlxfLFwq77_0N1GYDqp1VdEJ5XJtIAjDWqvEgN_IJcJ_5npBtqMGZySfZioilLqBmmP9dS4je_0EqiK2r1ew/s1600/fantasydraft.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsUty997wmFZ05vnjRU6TC9wqe1C6ReEm3q6Lk6h00lXsl4Xg7MGhlxfLFwq77_0N1GYDqp1VdEJ5XJtIAjDWqvEgN_IJcJ_5npBtqMGZySfZioilLqBmmP9dS4je_0EqiK2r1ew/s320/fantasydraft.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These people will all be dead.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<i>Ok, now that we've put enough tips out there to fool the feds, let's get down to the real point of this article. This is not an article about winning your fantasy league by drafting well and working the waiver wire like a fucking jerk. This is an article about winning your league without a doubt, and anyone with half a brain sliding around in their skull knows there's only one way to assure that: MURDER. Yes, this is the most important fantasy sports guide you'll ever read, as it will detail how to gather your league together, murder them, and then get away with it. </i><br />
<br />
<b>The Draft</b><br />
<b></b><br />
<b></b>
Nothing is better than a live draft. Everyone is happy to be back. Everyone is excited for the promise of a new year. And best of all, everyone is very, very <u>drunk.</u> You know what drunk people don't do very well? <u>Know when they are about to be murdered.</u> Use that to your advantage.<br />
<br />
There are many ways to go about murdering your fellow fantasy managers during a draft:<br />
- Poison<br />
- Slow gas leak<br />
- Hatchet<br />
- Pool full of acid<br />
- Shooting spree<br />
<br />
My two favorites are the slow gas leak and the pool full of acid, but presuming most of you don't have a swimming pool you can fill with acid and invite everyone to "bring your bathing suit," we'll focus on the former.<br />
<br />
<i><u>Pre-Gaming </u></i><br />
<br />
Here's what you'll need:<br />
- An oven and/or gas-based heater.<br />
- Three quarts of Fireball brand cinnamon whiskey.<br />
- One gallon of grain alcohol<br />
- A trashcan full of fruit punch<br />
- 4 cases of Budweiser<br />
- 2 six packs of IPA for the fucking assholes of the group<br />
- Raw chicken wings and/or frozen pizza<br />
- Caramel colored water in additional empty Fireball bottle<br />
<br />
First, make sure your apartment or house is conducive to a regular, unassuming fantasy draft gathering. Make sure to hide anything that may be suspicious, like this fantasy guide for example. Maybe toss some paper footballs up on the walls or the logo of the local football squad. Make sure to have football on the TV even. Have fun with it.<br />
<br />
After you've decorated your spider's web, make sure to pour a double shot of Fireball for every person attending. I.e. 12 person draft = 12 shots and so forth. Be sure to pour yourself shots as well from your colored Fireball water. Preheat your oven to the required temperature, but be sure to also turn up your air conditioning. You don't want anyone opening a window because it's too hot. That would kibosh the plan. Now relax and wait.<br />
<br />
<i><u>GameTime</u></i><br />
<i><u><br /></u></i>
Ding dong! Your guests are starting to arrive. Make sure to greet each one with the pre-poured shots at the door and partake with them (using your dud shot) and hand them a beer.<br />
<br />
After some time, the whole crew should have arrived. Be sure to keep the shots flowing. To incorporate this, I would demand - as host - that every draft round be accompanied by its own round of shots, to be chased with a glass of your trashcan grain alcohol & fruit punch. This should ensure everyone except for you should be blackout drunk by the end of the draft. Those fat sacks of stupid and beer won't know what hit them.<br />
<br />
While others are drafting, excuse yourself to pull the food from the oven. This step needs to be handled carefully and craftily. Make sure to pull your food from the oven later in the draft, and before you do, turn your air conditioning off. We don't need any additional ventilation coming in now.<br />
<br />
As you pull the food from the oven, accidentally "burn yourself" and drop it everywhere, leaving the door ajar and the gas blasting. Everyone will be distracted by the noise, cleanup and disappointment of lack of food to ease the effects of the alcohol coursing through their systems. Use this distraction to also turn the burners on the stove to full, then blow out the fire allowing the sweet, sweet gas to billow out unhindered.<br />
<br />
By now, with no food, bloodstreams full of booze and a full room of gas, everyone should be getting very sleepy. Make sure you don't fall victim to this as well! I've found, in my years of experience joining, murdering and winning fantasy leagues, that the best way to protect yourself from the gas is to loudly claim that "someone beefed!" and cover your mouth and nose tightly with your shirt. This should filter just enough of the gas out to allow you to stay awake while other league managers pass out.<br />
<br />
Once everyone seems unconscious, give them a few good shakes and a few extra minutes for good measure. Feel free to violently punch, kick or elbow those hipster fuckball managers who drank the IPA beers as well (Fuck your handlebar mustache and pork pie hat, clown! Hope Satan enjoys your fashion statement and custom cocktails <u>in hell!</u>). Excuse yourself from the room at this point to clear your head and catch your breath.<br />
<br />
After 10-15 minutes, re-enter the room and suffocate those who may yet be alive using a Pittsburgh Steelers "Terrible Towel." It's an appropriate tribute to a city and fan base that deserve to be dead.<br />
<br />
Now let me say <u>"congratulations!"</u> You've completed your fantasy draft and are ready to finish winning this league.<br />
<br />
<b>The Cleanup</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Here's the best part about the gas leak system - the city will do your cleanup <u>for you!</u> Yes, you, the unfortunate owner of the house, just woke up and called 9-1-1 but tragically help came minutes too late. And the scene is set - alcohol everywhere, food on the floor, football on the TV - this is clearly a football draft gone wrong, with no one at fault. Why, judging by the blood alcohol content of most of these managers, they would have died from alcohol poisoning anyway even if the has hadn't gotten them! You're in the clear. Still worried? Rub a little Frank's Red Hot from the hot wings into your eyes to get the tears flowing.<br />
<br />
Congratulations, <u>Fantasy Manager of the Year!</u> You've won your league, and as manager, you're either holding all the money or can access it later on, should your league use a "League Safe" system or similar holding system for the league funds.<br />
<br />
Now go get em, tiger!<br />
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-42951776459095895842015-06-11T15:34:00.001-07:002015-06-11T15:38:27.214-07:00The Hot New Magazine: "Fuck Off, You Preachy Cunts" Weekly <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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These days, everyone's a punk ass bitch. Just look around on any bright sunny day and you'll see punk ass bitches roaming the streets, occupying park benches and just being whiny, entitled shits everywhere you go. As if the mere presence of these PABs isn't enough, they come complete with opinions, oftentimes based wholly on a single article half-skimmed on facebook, a half-watched documentary while high, or a self-centered worldview that doesn't take other people's personal preferences into account. Opinions lead to conversations (amongst people who hold the same opinion, and that opinion only). Conversations lead to newsletters. Newsletters lead to Magazines. And that's how you get idiotic shit like <a href="http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/959b3e9af6/comedians-make-a-very-real-fake-magazine-aimed-at-gross-people-who-love-to-smoke" target="_blank">mock smoker magazines created by "comedians"</a> like this.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2vMapUIm6W_vQ-9miLnk06xXTUra1aPIEWwfBCf7CZoHD9Q7MF-Iterg6J6h_LN2rir7C7tIakclM2RIudOF0g9G4nVo1nNES4CCsVqbyAduelAT5zsfcOorMSqb9s_IhXTDicg/s1600/Screen+shot+2015-06-11+at+3.32.58+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="123" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2vMapUIm6W_vQ-9miLnk06xXTUra1aPIEWwfBCf7CZoHD9Q7MF-Iterg6J6h_LN2rir7C7tIakclM2RIudOF0g9G4nVo1nNES4CCsVqbyAduelAT5zsfcOorMSqb9s_IhXTDicg/s320/Screen+shot+2015-06-11+at+3.32.58+PM.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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I'd like to offer up another magazine, which will assuredly lock in the top spot on the newspaper stands in mere hours after its debut. It's called "Fuck Off, You Preachy Cunts" weekly.<br />
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Yes, "FOYPC" will focus on telling every other special interest publication and person to take their stupid opinion and shove it right up their respective ass. Because who gives a fuck about you? Not me. And I don't care about your stupid, preachy bullshit or worldview. I definitely don't care enough to have it shoved down my throat should I be at a restaurant that has the nerve not to have a gluten-free menu, or that doesn't have enough vegan options available. What would Jesus do? Die on the cross - not sure how that helps me in 2015, so stop bringing it up. And I believe that the non-smoking agenda has become so ridiculous and tainted by idiocy and groupthink that it's become a parody of itself, even before "Mister Smoker" made a parody of a parody of a parody.<br />
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Here's the cover of "Fuck Off, You Preachy Cunts" issue #1. Grab your copy today, and start telling people yourself to "Fuck off, you preachy cunt."<br />
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-2248486776236160252015-04-01T11:36:00.002-07:002015-04-01T11:52:36.849-07:00Reality TV Shows To Start Using Robot Cast Members <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It's crazy to think about, but the time seems to have finally come - yes, reality television will begin to utilize robotic cast members.<br />
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Bravo TV, which pioneered many of the shows you love, hate and love to hate, including that show about rich Persian people and their body hair, <i>Vanderpump Rules</i>, and of course the <i>Real Housewives </i>series, is leading the charge.<br />
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"You look at what we're paying some of these reality TV stars and it's upsetting the entire reality television model, which is based on economy of cost in production and talent to be successful" said SVP Development for Bravo Media, Lara Spotts. "Half the time all they're saying are curse words, which we are legally obligated to bleep out. We thought to ourselves, 'why don't we just bring in beeping robots to replace half the cast?' Either way, most of the show will be beeps and bleeps and this way we don't have to deal with contracts spiraling out of control. We think it's going to be a huge hit and the new model for reality TV."<br />
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Bravo's summer schedule will feature robots in several of its programs, beginning with <i>The Real Housewives of New Jersey</i>, where a robotic Teresa Guidice will bend the bars of her cell and go on a multi-state rampage. The cast members of <i>Million Dollar Listing</i> will remain, as two of the three main leads are already robots.<br />
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-61906790098955005712015-03-26T17:02:00.001-07:002015-03-26T17:02:07.077-07:00The Comedy Ahoy! Show Email Signup Page! <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I needed a page to host this signup email form, so here it is. Don't judge me.<br />
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Sign up here to get updates on the Comedy Ahoy! comedy show at the Sports Harbour in Marina Del Rey, CA. We'll send lineups, updates and maybe the occasional dick pic. </div>
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-69780561750960120862015-03-03T10:54:00.002-08:002015-03-03T10:55:41.434-08:00The Worst Dr. Seuss TV Show Title Possible <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Yesterday was Dr. Seuss' birthday (well, if he were alive anyway) and this kid's TV show happened to be on when I got home. <span style="background-color: #fefefe; color: #222222; line-height: 20px;">I don't think the Producers of "Cat in the Hat Knows a Lot" quite captured the good Doctor's creativity or mastery of rhyming. </span></span><br />
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-24921503120396938552015-03-03T10:27:00.003-08:002015-10-29T17:06:18.801-07:00The 5 Worst Times for Your Stigmata to Appear<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Stigmata: one minute you're happily enjoying a family evening full of Parcheesi and pizza, and the next, your hands and feet have holes spilling blood everywhere, just as Jesus of Nazereth did when he was nailed to the crucifix. No matter how religious you may be, it's <i>soooo</i> inconvenient. But remember, everyone out there - it can always be worse.<br />
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That's why I've polled all the Stigmatics I know and compiled this list of the <b>Top 5 Absolute <i>WORST</i> Times for Your Stigmata to Appear.</b> You may be bleeding from your palms, but at least you aren't these guys! </div>
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<b>5. Hand Squeezing Lemonade (15 votes)</b></div>
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The local kids on the block want to have a lemonade stand - adorable! And what better way to help out the kids and community but by pitching in to lend a hand? However, when your stigmata start acting up, not only are you going to be squeezing pink lemonade but also, <i>ouch!</i> Watch out for that citric acid - and I thought lemon juice made my <i>canker sore</i> burn! </div>
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<b>4. Getting Your Palm Read (18 votes)</b></div>
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I don't know about the rest of you, but sometimes life is a little too much to handle, and free will? Forget about it! I just need someone to tell me it's all out of my own control. What better way to let fate decide than to visit a fortune teller for a palm reading? The only thing is...stigmata. Your love line is going to be pretty short when she hits that hole in your hand. Your future? <i>Embarrassment. </i></div>
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<b>3. Giving a Standing Ovation (42 votes)</b></div>
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I didn't realize how many occasions or performances warranted standing ovations, but apparently they happen all the time and many stigmatics love to participate. That's what makes it all the more inconvenient and awkward when, right in the middle of applauding, blood starts flying off of your hands with every clap and onto the black-tie-attired folks around you. Good luck being invited back to that theater - they won't even welcome you back for "Jesus Christ, Superstar," ironically enough. </div>
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<b>2. Having a Picnic (51 votes)</b></div>
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Spring is around the corner, and what better way to welcome the warm weather and the passing of another winter than a picnic? But, uh-oh - your freshly oozing wounds don't mix well with grass allergies and, most of all, <i>ants! </i>Looks like no bare feet in the flowers for you this April. </div>
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<b>1. Playing Peek-a-Boo (658 votes)</b></div>
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The absolute, number-1 worst time to have your stigmata appear has to be while playing peek-a-boo with a baby. Right in the middle of a wonderful, innocent game, not only do you turn into a hideous, blood-stained creature that's sure to haunt the memories of the small child you were previously entertaining, but also what good is playing peek-a-boo with holes in your hands? You can see right through them even when your'e hiding! If that baby isn't traumatized, it certainly will be bored. And bored babies aren't happy babies. </div>
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Hopefully this list makes you feel at least a little better the next time the holes in <i>your</i> hands and feet decide to pay a little visit. </div>
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Other runners up on the list:</div>
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- Making a PBJ sandwich (7)</div>
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- Playing Handball (4)</div>
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- Right after someone shoots/stabs you in the hand or foot, as now it looks like they didn't do anything (4)</div>
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- Swimming in shark infested waters (2) </div>
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-17300426258721720002015-02-05T10:43:00.001-08:002015-02-05T16:50:41.892-08:00Conrad Hilton's "Passengers Are Peasants" Remark Was Good, Not Great <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Conrad Hilton, brother of porn starlet Paris and one of the heirs to the vast Hilton fortune, <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2015/02/04/entertainment/conrad-hilton-assaulting-intimidating-flight-attendants-charge/index.html" target="_blank">just turned himself into the FBI</a> for reckless actions, intimidation and assault of flight crew members on a recent British Airways flight.<br />
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During that flight, Conrad was quoted as calling the passengers on the plane "fucking peasants," which naturally we can applaud as a classic, <i>classic</i> burn that's been time-tested by the upper crust when referring to we wee people, and one that is sure to garner him a nomination for "Rich Bastard of the Year" at the 2015 Bilderberg Conference.<br />
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It was good, yes, but was it great? No. Some better burns for future Rich Bastards to utilize, free of charge, compliments of <i>Welcome to Tardville: </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>- You call yourselves humans? I wouldn't provide your shirt to my manservant to use when he wipes the caviar diarrhea from my ass! </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>- I'd call you peasants but that would be an insult to my peasants. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>- I've been farting this entire flight to give you people a taste and smell of the good life, and this is how you repay me after filling your lungs with pure class? </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>- Everyone just chill the fuck out so I can finish doing lines off my American Express Black card. </i><br />
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<i>- I didn't know they even allowed people of your caste to fly. I'll be bringing this up at the next homeowners association meeting at Cloud City. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>- Aren't you people worried your oxen will run away and your children will die of fever while you're up here flying? </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>- I used the WiFi during the flight to purchase British Air, so get the fuck off my plane. </i><br />
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<i>- Future generations of </i>my<i> family will be wearing diamonds made of </i>your<i> family after you've decomposed in your pine coffins and become dense under the crushing weight of the earth! </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I should have been born fabulously wealthy.<br />
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-2790934635482464052015-02-04T11:08:00.001-08:002015-02-04T11:08:33.303-08:00Scientology Is Going To Be Upset About This Bus Bench <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; color: #222222; font-family: proxima-nova, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Oh man, Scientology is going to be PISSED when they see that the Syphilis Explosion bus bench stole their "Dianetics" cover art. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fefefe; color: #222222; font-family: proxima-nova, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">On a side note, it's been crazy busy at work and I'm hungover as hell right now. Check back tomorrow. </span></div>
brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-86531635345936303332015-01-22T14:34:00.002-08:002015-02-19T15:37:55.750-08:00Screw The "Doomsday Clock" & Other Imaginary Things That Don't Matter <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The "Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists" (side note - way to knock that name right out of the park, nerds - you'll never get a hot sidekick for your super-villainy that way) has issued, once again, a <a href="http://thebulletin.org/multimedia/it-3-minutes-midnight" target="_blank">dire warning</a> to mankind about the state of our self-imposed nuclear destruction. The <a href="http://thebulletin.org/multimedia/it-3-minutes-midnight" target="_blank">Doomsday Clock has moved forward</a>, and we're now three derps nearer to imaginary midnight on the imaginary clock.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1f1f1f; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'DejaVu Serif', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.9750003814697px;">In 2015, unchecked climate change, global nuclear weapons modernizations, and outsized nuclear weapons arsenals pose extraordinary and undeniable threats to the continued existence of humanity, and world leaders have failed to act with the speed or on the scale required to protect citizens from potential catastrophe. These failures of political leadership endanger every person on Earth.</span></blockquote>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1f1f1f; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'DejaVu Serif', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.9750003814697px;">OK, let's ignore the fact that there hasn't been any statistical rise in the Earth's temperature for 17 years, and the idiotic claim that 2014 was the "hottest ever on record." It was </span><a href="http://www.npr.org/blogs/13.7/2015/01/21/378665687/was-2014-the-hottest-year-on-record-or-not" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'DejaVu Serif', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.9750003814697px;" target="_blank">.02 degrees hotter than 2005 and 2010</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #1f1f1f; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'DejaVu Serif', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.9750003814697px;">, which even the people who create the data say falls under "uncertainty of measurement." The temp has stayed the same as it's been for over a decade. So, instead we turn to the prospect of everyone being utterly destroyed by Nukes. NUUUUUUUUUUUKES!!! </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1f1f1f; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'DejaVu Serif', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.9750003814697px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1f1f1f; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'DejaVu Serif', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.9750003814697px;">The Doomsday Clock is an imaginary thing that these dorks move forward or backward to get some attention - it's basically the passive aggressive Facebook post of the atomic science community. It's just that instead of saying "Had the WORST day today - crying in the bathtub and eating cheese from a can :( NO ONE ASK ME WHAT HAPPENED," these atom-smashing attention hogs claim that a mythical clock is ticking towards our extinction. Except it's not, and there is no real reason for them to even say it is. Russia has it's own massive internal problems and Putin's got too much on his plate to play War Games right now, and everyone knows that North Korea aint' doin' jack or shit. Iran? Pfft, yo mama can worry about Iran. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1f1f1f; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'DejaVu Serif', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.9750003814697px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1f1f1f; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'DejaVu Serif', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.9750003814697px;">Let's list some other imaginary things that abso-fucking-lutely don't matter but are still more important than this Doomsday Clock announcement:</span><br />
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<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li><span style="color: #1f1f1f; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'DejaVu Serif', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.9750003814697px;">How Thursday's Carebear Share went today up in Cloud Kingdom?</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #1f1f1f; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'DejaVu Serif', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.9750003814697px;">Whether or not Harry Potter and Ron Weasely ever experimented with homosexuality at Hogwarts under the invisibility cloak?</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #1f1f1f; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'DejaVu Serif', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.9750003814697px;">Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #1f1f1f; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, DejaVu Serif, serif;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.9750003814697px;">How much porn can a Unicorn horn if a Unicorn could horn porn? </span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #1f1f1f; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, DejaVu Serif, serif;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.9750003814697px;">Love </span></span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="color: #1f1f1f; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, DejaVu Serif, serif;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.9750003814697px;">So there you have it - other things to ponder over these PointDexters. </span></span></div>
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-63672941236627516802015-01-14T11:01:00.000-08:002015-01-14T11:04:35.938-08:00Predicting The Horrible Celebrity Baby Name For Zooey Deschanel's Offspring <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
"Adorkable" kind-of-attractive celebrity starlet Zooey Deschanel is joining her sister in pregnancy, having just announced that she is <a href="http://celebritybabies.people.com/2015/01/13/zooey-deschanel-pregnant-expecting-first-child/" target="_blank">be-bumped</a> by out of wedlock (SINNERS BURN IN HELL!) father to be, Jacob Pechenik.<br />
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You know for a fact they are going to hyphenate the fuck out of this kid's name, so no matter the forename this kid is saddled with, it's going to be a Pechenik-Deschanel, which is an atrocity that will ruin all of the child's checks and credit cards for its entire life. You only get so many boxes for letters on those applications, kid.<br />
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Being that this child is leaping from a celebrity's placenta, there is little to no doubt that it will be assigned a truly terrible name, especially from the notoriously quirky (read: annoying) Zooey, who herself likely bears some ill will over her own name. What better chance for vengeance than to curse one's own offspring? So lets take some educated guesses on what names might be drawn out of the baby bonnet, shall we?<br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Since Zooey's name starts with the letter at the end of the alphabet, she may decide to start a new trend that can be passed down from generation to generation of Deschanel kin. So, why not begin at the beginning? How about Aooey? Then if they have another kid, it can be Booey (Ba-Ba) and have a future mapped out on the <i>Howard Stern Show. </i></li>
<li>Celebrities always assume that they have far more talent than they do, and Zooey is no different in this respect, having opted for the traditional celeb outlet for ego boosting - music. Zooey's band is called She and Him, so naturally naming her child Shim has to be a top option. Either that or maybe call him/her "Gender Neutral Pechenik-Deschanel."</li>
<li>DAS DESCHANEL!!! Get aggressive with it, while also locking in the German crowd. </li>
<li>Seashell Deschanel-Pechenik. Naturally, this works better if you drop the Pechenik, though if Zooey hasn't realized everything is better sans-Pechenik before she let him inject her with "<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4092984/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1" target="_blank">producer of indie films no one ever sees or cares about</a>" cum, she probably is blind to the fact. </li>
<li>Grapenut Amoeba Cluster - don't count it out. It's a dark horse candidate. </li>
</ul>
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Sadly, we'll have to wait until at least the summer to find out which of my predictions will come true. Feel free to add any additional ones in the comments and I'll mock them for being way off base and (let's face it) completely stupid accordingly. </div>
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37381686.post-90221482852899308472015-01-09T11:50:00.002-08:002015-01-09T14:00:32.315-08:00Miley Cyrus is a Clone Implanted Via a Time Machine<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I was at the gym the other night and caught an episode of "Shark Tank," wherein Mark Cuban bought shares in that company/guy that draws cats for people. It's an idea so stupid and brilliant that I wish nothing but horrible death upon the man who thought of it.<br />
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Now, on that show are a panel of judges, and I am wholly convinced that one of the judges/investors, Barbara Corcoran, has in fact secretly met and invested in a company that has discovered and perfected time travel.<br />
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Barb Corcoran</div>
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Why do I think this? Because CLEARLY, she went back in time, supplanted a cloned fetal version of herself into the womb of Tish Cyrus, and went on to become one Miley Cyrus. The evidence? Well see for yourself. </div>
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BAM! Same hair, same eyes, same nose (older and larger in the Corcoran model), same lips, same teeth! THESE RICH FUCKERS MUST BE STOPPED! </div>
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It's not enough for them to be super rich once - no they must be super rich time and time again, bending the space time continuum into pretzels to suit their twisted whims and to achieve true immortality! </div>
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Granted, I do enjoy the new Barbara-cum-Miley, as dirty, sexy skanks are always A-OK in my book. Could this skankiness be a symptom...a side effect of time travel? Perhaps her fetus was mutated in-utero as it shot through space time, turning her into a sex craved, tongue wagging, wrecking ball riding fiend? Get me a theoretical physicist! Get Michio Kaku on the line. </div>
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There's only one way to find out and it's going to take me and the head of the CIA's torture team to get to the bottom of it. </div>
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Oh, also, Barbara also likes snacks and alcohol. JUST LIKE MILEY.</div>
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All I'm saying is that if <i>Timecop</i> Jean-Claude Van Damme appears out of thin air and shoots a laser bullet through Barb's head, you know who was right and I expect my due credit. </div>
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brian!http://www.blogger.com/profile/18045415968304427178noreply@blogger.com0