Michelle Obama's Ass is Huge

President Obama and First Lady Michelle departed Rome today on Air Force One. Her ass followed soon after, hauled by military troop transport helicopters. Christ, that's a wide ass. Broader than Obama's shoulders. Perhaps we should place America's problems on that instead - looks like a better load bearer.

People Can't Stop Getting Killed By Animals

Hey, good news for the human race! Another genetic bottom dweller bit the dust yesterday during the Bull Run in Spain. Gored in the neck and lung they tell me, by a bull named Cappuccino. I guess you could say that latte was grande! Hiyooo! It got me to thinking about the numerous idiots who have died by animal mauling - I have listed some of my favorites here.

1. Man dies while drunk taking photos of brown bears via FOX NEWS:

The 22-year-old man was drunk and trying to take close-up shots of the Siberian Brown bears at Mykolaev city zoo when he lost his footing, witnesses said, acording to Channel 5 television.

The three bears charged the man immediately, tearing him "limb from limb" as he tried to escape, according to the station, quoted by the Deutsche Presse-Agentur news agency.

When asked for comment, Teddy Ruxpin responded that this was a: "senseless crime and should not reflect poorly upon all bear kind." He also made controversial remarks that the brown bear was often seen as the "trailer trash" of the bear world, and often left half-repaired Trans-Ams around their enclosure on the zoo grounds.

2. White Tiger kills a guy: No, not Roy. But someone in a country that doesn't speak English. Or if they do, it's some sort of pigeon English with an accent, and overuse of the phrase "how you say". The report:

Nordin Bin Montong, 32, a Malaysian working as a cleaner at the zoo, leapt into the moat of the white tiger exhibit and was attacked, said Biswajit Guha, assistant director of zoology at the Singap More..ore Zoo in a statement.

Here's the video:

Frankly, Singapore, I expected more of your tiger feces removal professionals.

3. And then there's this prince of mental capacity, who thought keeping a lion as a pet would be a stellar idea, rivaled only by this one

Predictably, this happened:
Lion Mauls Man in Cage - Warning Graphic Video

WHEN are we going to get some Koala maulings? I know those things are goddamn vicious. I guess some dreams just have to wait.

Sugary Drink Mascot Hodown

Well, I have nothing more to do today really, since it's about 4pm and all our ideas just got slammed during a conference call. So here are my favorite sugar beverage mascots. They were my only true friends in my formative years, and to this day influence every decision I make, which is why I say "OH YEAH" to life.

1. Kool Aid Man: I'm not going into too much detail on Kool Aid Man, or KAM as he's known to his friends and lovers (a little known fact is that KAM would have sex with his clone in incrediberry flavor), but he has to be on this list. Actually, some of his friends are on this list too, due to their retarded awesomeness. KAM bashed into our hearts, sloshing his DNA everywhere...an inspiration that I still follow, on the pillows and in the hair of unsuspecting college coeds. Oh yeah.

2. Punchy: Punchy is the Hawaiian Punch guy who got away with assaulting thirsty people while having antlers on his head for some reason. Red antlers. Fucking commie elk. He did however, teach me that there is nothing a little punch in the mouth can't cure.



3. Rock O Dile: One of the Kool Aid gang. Just look at him! So suave! He wears his sunglasses at night, so he can, so he can, rot my teeth deliciously. A note: real crocs do not play the saxophone, and will in fact ruin said saxophone. Also, zookeepers are assholes.






4. Slimer: Hello! A green blob from arguably the greatest comedy ever made, which eats everything and farts all the time? I think anyone who has ever met me can attest that eating and farting are hands down my two favorite pasttimes right after sex and making cruel jokes. Thank Slimer and his Ecto Cooler.





5. Purplesaurus Rex: I'm 90% positive Kool Aid got the idea for this guy after watching a "Grape Ape" marathon, then the original "King Kong" where he wrestled a brontosaurus. Also, Rex means 'King' in Latin, which makes Purplesaurus not only king of the dinosaurs but also of anything that's purple. So that includes the insides of your lips, black people!



6. Nesquick "Bunny": To be honest, I didn't even like this guy, or his shitty, grainy drink. His name was "the Bunny." Way to go, Nestle! Imagine all the marketing execs sweating around the board room table thinking up that one: "Chocorabbit? NO! Nestbun-bun? NO! Quicky the Rabbit? NO, people will associate it with the Mexicans, and no one wants that! How about...The Bunny? Oh, brilliant Hal! You nailed it buddy!" Fucking idiots. But put a big "N" around his neck, so people know he belongs to Nesquick.

7. Sharkleberry Fin: Also Kool Aid. Did Kool Aid rape the dreams of children to create their mascots? You bet they did. What could be more wonderful than to dream of swimming in an ocean of delicious berry flavored Kool Aid? Nothing, that's what. But...what's that over there? It's a goddamn pink shark with glasses (does Kool Aid make any mascots without sunglasses?)! AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHH! The upside is that in your state of shock you'll probably think the water is red from some new drink flavor, so you won't realize you're bleeding to death until it's too late. Also, a tip of the cap to the artists on this one, who added the little strap to the back of Sharkleberry's sunglasses so that they wouldn't fall off when he swims. You just can't pay enough for that kind of forethought and insight.

Yeah, there's only 7, which is an odd number to end on, but you know what? If you care you probably have OCD, so why don't you go back to counting the number of freckles on your cat's nose and making sure the silverware is all facing the same direction ya' jerk.

N. Korea Is Attackin' Our Interwebs!

Those goddamn North Koreans are throwing virtual sticks at our interwebbings! I don't know how those sneaky bastards did it, but they must have coordinated all of their Casio watches from 1984 to tap into the World Wide Web through some sort of hacked coat hanger / modem to attack our way of watching porn. Just imagine, 4 million mud and straw huts, beaming anger straight to our USB ports. Kim Jong Il, you have done it again, you crazy son of a bitch.

SEOUL (Reuters) - A fresh wave of cyber attacks that slowed U.S. and South Korean websites this week hit more targets on Thursday, a Web security firm said, while the South's spy agency has said the hacking may be linked to North Korea.

The impact of the attacks, aimed so far at dozens of sites including the White House and the South's presidential office, was seen as negligible, experts said, but served as a reminder that Pyongyang has been planning for cyber warfare.

Of course, this attack may have actually been aimed at the JC Penny online catalogue, which I hear is releasing a new line of Jackie O granny glasses, with the intent of clogging up American servers so Kim Jong could buy out the first run and continue his dominance as a fashion plate. But it's hard to coordinate when half the population taking place in the attack is delirious from not eating, and still shitting in a dirt hole in the backyard.

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Is Michelle Obama a Sasquatch?

Michelle Obama destroy!! When did the First Lady start taking HGH? She's got to be 6'4" in this picture and an easy 200 lbs! Does the White House have a big flag football game coming up against the Kremlin? Because Michelle looks like she's ready to make some blocks and free up some running lanes. That pic is from Reuters, btw, and is undoctored.

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MJ UPDATE! LOVES TO LAUGH, SAYS BROOKE SHIELDS

OK, now I am watching just to laugh at it. I had no idea Brooke Shields and MJ were friends. Most likely because no one should ever care. But listening to her stupid stories is both entertaining me with there rambling stupidity, while simultaneously driving me insane. Apparently she was there for the "gloving" and confessed that Michael "loved to laugh." Can there be a dumber statement that means nothing that "loving to laugh"? "Oh, no, John hated to laugh. Chuckling made him furious. Hated laughing. Hated it." Fucking retarded.

Live Blogging The Michael Jackson Memorial

You know, I fully intended to liveblog this thing, but man I can't bring myself to watch it. It just makes me too sad....no, just kidding, I don't care at all. But seriously, when I saw Queen Latifah's fat, talentless ass on stage it revolted me to the point of physical discomfort. At the moment,
Stevie Wonder is singing. And it. Is. Terrible. He sounds fucking awful. "You Won't Go When I Go" - yeesh. I thought he was blind, not deaf.

Oh, and now Kobe is speaking? What the fuck do you have to do with Michael Jackson? This show is moronic. I can't wait to see who speaks at the next big celeb funeral. If it follows suit to this one, we'll have the President of Namibia up there talking about how HE lost to the Jacksons in softball. Good story there, Magic. Michael Jackson made you a better point guard at basketball??! WHAT?!?! That's a deep ass you have, Magic, and I'm amazed at what you can pull out of it.

I'm over this.

Michael Jackson Buried Without Brain!

YES. True. The King of Pop will be buried sans-grey matter, as the Jackson family have opted to go ahead with the funeral, rather than wait 3 weeks for MJ's brain to return from testing. SO THEY SAY. While it's no shock that they will bury the disfigured and used up shell that MJ once occupied, I think we all know that secretly they are transplanting his brain into a specially designed robot. What's it specially designed to do, you ask? Molest children. Mechanically.

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An Open Letter To Soup Cracker Manufacturers

Dear Jerks who make the "Zesta" crackers that I was given at the Ralphs to put in my soup:

Fuck your face holes. All of them. You know what would be an incredibly helpful feature to have on your product? How about a little notch or a slit, where I can tear the wrapper off without having to resort to either ripping the packaging apart with my teeth, resulting in cracker crumbs down the front of my shirt, or tearing it with my hands, which crushes the brittle cracker within. Granted, I was going to crumble the cracker into my soup anyway, but it should be my choice! Women have the choice in the abortion debate, why do I not have a choice in whether or not my cracker is destroyed before it even has a chance to crumble by hand? Yes, I know, it's a brilliant comparison.

In closing, cracker people, go douche yourselves with battery acid.

Sincerely,

DCMS

Bollywood Just Got A Whole Lot Gayer

Think this is as gay as it gets?



Well you would be dead wrong, because India has (for all intents and purposes) legalized gay sex. May the many hands of Vishnu jerk off many men at once in celebration!

NEW DELHI (AP) - New Delhi's gay community celebrated a landmark court ruling Thursday that decriminalizes homosexuality—a decision that could end widespread police harassment and be a harbinger for gradual acceptance for homosexuals across this deeply conservative country.

The Delhi High Court ruled that treating consensual gay sex between adults as a crime is a violation of fundamental rights protected by India's constitution. The ruling, the first of its kind in India, is not binding outside New Delhi.

It's not binding, but rarely will other courts go against another high court ruling. So the mighty trunk of Ganesha can pleasure your anus in perpetuity!

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UPDATE on Celebs Die in 3's - Karl Malden DEAD

UPDATE: It's over, the sweepstakes has been won by Karl Malden, owner of the most prolific nose in all of Hollywood. Looking at Karl's nose was like looking deep into the future, where eggplants and people had cross bred into one disturbing species. Also, he resembled "Alice the Goon" (below) from "Popeye" cartoons.

That being said, the man was an amazing actor, and was in one of my favorite all-time films, Patton. He was an Oscar winner and famous for films including "A Streetcar Named Desire" and "On the Waterfront." RIP, you magnificent eggplant man. Karl was 97.

Thanks to Erin for the morbid tip

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USA Network Tops Cable Ratings???

Do I have six arms and four dicks? ...because I must be living in some bizarroville where carrots rule the world and apparently TIVO USA Network programming. USA Network is currently the top rated cable TV outlet. Yes, the same USA Network that once ran at least 5 repeats of "American Gladiators" a day in the mid-90's, coupled with soft core porn flicks with all the soft core porn edited out of them at night. When the hell did this happen? Who allowed this to happen? Here is their original programming lineup:

Burn Notice - I hear this is good, even though it stars a guy who looks like Rob McElhenney's skinnier, clean shaven uncle.
Psyche
Law & Order: Criminal Intent
WWE RAW - morons, meet your entertainment mecca.
Royal Pains
In Plain Sight

This is paired with reruns of Becker, Monk, NCIS and Jag. JAG!

Here is the Friday lineup:

06:00 AM		IN PLAIN SIGHT (HOT BODIES)		NEVER THE BRIDE
07:00 AM		IN PLAIN SIGHT (HOT BODIES)		WHO SHOT JAY ARNSTEIN
08:00 AM		IN PLAIN SIGHT (HOT BODIES)		IRIS DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE
09:00 AM		IN PLAIN SIGHT (HOT BODIES)		TO SERGE WITH LOVE
10:00 AM		IN PLAIN SIGHT (HOT BODIES)		IN MY HUMBOLDT OPINION
11:00 AM		NCIS (HOT BODIES)		THE VOYEUR'S WEB
12:00 PM		NCIS (HOT BODIES)		UNDER COVERS
01:00 PM		NCIS (HOT BODIES)		WITCH HUNT
02:00 PM		NCIS (HOT BODIES)		MODEL BEHAVIOR
03:00 PM		NCIS (HOT BODIES)		FRIENDS & LOVERS
04:00 PM		NCIS (HOT BODIES)		BIKINI WAX
05:00 PM		NCIS (HOT BODIES)		RECOIL
06:00 PM		USA MOVIE (HOT BODIES)		BOURNE IDENTITY, THE
08:30 PM		USA MOVIE (HOT BODIES)		BOURNE IDENTITY, THE
11:00 PM		HOUSE (REPURPOSED)		PAINLESS
12:00 AM		IN PLAIN SIGHT (HOT BODIES)		IN MY HUMBOLDT OPINION
01:00 AM		IN PLAIN SIGHT (HOT BODIES)		TO SERGE WITH LOVE
02:00 AM		IN PLAIN SIGHT (HOT BODIES)		IRIS DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE
03:00 AM		IN PLAIN SIGHT (HOT BODIES)
04:00 AM		PAID PROGRAMS

I figured it out! Any network can win in the ratings as long as they make it abundtantly clear that there are "HOT BODIES" in their programming! Quick, get me the head of NBC on the line! I've got a brilliant idea for a show. It's called "Hot Bodies: The Hot Bodying". It can't miss!!

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WTF is Brad Cooper Doing? Don't Get Zellweger'd!

Brad. We need to have a chat, buddy. You're one of the stars in the biggest comedy blockbuster since "Wedding Crashers" (which you were also in). You're a regular on the amazing "Nip Tuck". You speak fluent French from what I've read. So why in the sweet name of fuck are you hanging around with Renee Zellweger?

She was kind of cute once, when I looked at her after 8 beers and I had one eye closed, plus I had been poked in that one eye earlier in the day while trying to reach into a thicket of holly for a set of lost keys. BUT JUST THAT ONCE.

You should be cock-deep in Megan Fox, or Eliza Dushku, not Renee, who has been regulated to period piece films because of her incredible ability to look skinny and disheveled, and overall frumpy like the housewives of the 40s! PERIOD PIECES, for god sakes! That is not a good quality!

Clean up your act, chump. You disgust me.

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